Results
by Kuno-Baby
Summary: Unfortunately, I have switched medications since starting this story, now I am much more stable and cannot update.
1. Prologue: The Ends Make The Means

Results

Prologue: The end is worth the average.

A Naruto/Ranma crossover by Kuno-Baka... Kuno-Baby.

Also stunningly incomplete!

This story is dedicated to whoever wrote Naruto, and everyone but Slacker, out of spite. And also to every bad Naruto/Ranma crossover ever, because I love you guys!

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

/comments/

!#$&()Telepathy()&$#!

scene change (revised – no stupid shifts)-

"Hair Girl."

"What?" Shampoo was not sure she had heard correctly.

"Hair Girl." Cologne repeated, drooling slightly.

"What is it, Great-Grandmother?" Shampoo said, confused.

"I have a plan to return my husband to our village!" Cologne said, triumphantly.

"Huh? You mean Shampoo husband, not your, Great Grandmother!" Shampoo exclaimed, worriedly.

"Huh?" Cologne replied, "What was I saying?"

Shampoo sighed. 'The only bad side effect of the old age technique, shrunken-no-jutsu: Senility.'

-

Ranma was having a great day. He had found joy, finally. Nabiki had taught him how to use the "internet" as it was called, and there was an online Jusenkyo catalogue! And they had Nannichuan water! Finally he'd be free of the curse!

As he whistled his way along the fence, a familiar bicycle horn and pogo-cane tap alerted him to danger. With a whoosh and a grunt, he ducked and dodged a thrown needle and rampaged Shampoo-on-a-transportation-device.

"You won't escape that easily, Brother-in-law!" Cologne's slightly insane voice reached his ears.

"You mean Son-In-Law, Great Grandmother!" Shampoo returned, more than a little peeved.

"Since when did you have any kids?" Cologne inquired, perplexed.

"No! Shampoo mean..." Shampoo trailed off, angrily clutching her face, partly to hide it, partly to remove some of the mad energy she had obtained trying to deal with her great grandmother, who had finally lost the last card in her deck-of-brain-cells.

"What's going on?" Ranma asked, both innocently and desperately.

"Aiya! Shampoo need help, subdue Great Grandmother!" Shampoo said, still trying not to explode with rage.

"Sub... due?" Ranma asked, both innocently and idiotically.

"Means to capture or disable!" Shampoo said, exasperated.

"Aha! I have finally captured you, Father-In-Law! With this technique I will return you to our village!" Cologne interjected, drunkenly. She raised her arms, and a blue light swirled erratically within her grasp.

With a shocking _snap, _Ranma reverted in age to six years old. Cologne shook her head, and refocused her eyes.

"You won't avoid my capture so easily, Crazy Uncle Jiro! Hiya!" Cologne once more raised her arms, and a pale red light, hazy and indistinct, wrapped Ranma within it's folds and with a slight _pop, _he was gone.

"Cackle, Cackle, Cackle," Cologne said, refusing to actually cackle, "Now you will be teleported to our home village of Konoha!"

"You mean Jokestsuzoku, Great Grandmother." Shampoo asked, worrying the more for the possibility that Cologne did _not _mean Joketsuzoku.

"Huh?" Cologne asked, perplexed, "What was I doing?"

Shampoo chose that moment to have a massive heart attack, brought on by high levels of imbalanced hormones and the current stress.

-

AN: So, did I do a good crazy? I will not be ending the story so soon – Indeed I intend to have a proper Ranma crossover. The problem? The way for Ranma to end up in Konoha, or at all in the Naruto world whatsoever, has thus far been pretty ridiculous. Actually, it was insane. I wanted to have a more serious story, but it looks like oddball humor and bad words win the day.


	2. The secret ingredient is love!

Results

Chapter one

"A wish left unguarded will probably be stolen"

This story is dedicated to the letter ! And the number #, and to Fire for being so effing awesome. TELL ME IF YOU"RE ALIVE, MON! AN: Everybody who hasn't, go read Destiny's Child. It Roxxorz the boxxorz.

"Speech"

'thought'

_sound effects_

Telepathy

- scene changes, now with 100 less silly crap (Rating changed to M)

"Oof!" Ranma landed in a tree with a bang and a crack, and of course a shout of "Oof!"

"What the? Hey... My voice!" Ranma wondered at his sudden high pitched tone, not altogether unlike his girl form. But something was wrong. Perhaps it was the distinct lack of breasts and the fact that he was only six years old.

"Shit! Six years old? What did that old gargoyle do to me, anyway?" Ranma exclaimed, remembering.

"_You will not evade my capture so easily, Crazy Uncle Jiro!" _"Or something like that," the newly pre-teen reminisced.

'Geez, I wonder what the heck she was on,' he thought to himself, 'Now to get my bearings straight.' Ranma had a lot of experience at locating his position on the planet using only the stars and the angle of the sun. After all, a lot of traveling by Akane-Air or the Ryoga Express, and soon you will learn to stop wondering where you have landed and do something about it.

"..." Ranma stopped looking up at the starlit sky.

"None of these constellations make any sense!" Ranma finally shouted. "This can't be Earth!"

He began to run, past the trees, past the occasional buildings, he did not even pause to the rivers and obstacles in his way. He was lost, alone, and regressed, in a land he did not recognize, could not accept He ran past where the trees gave way to hills and sparse grass, where the grass gave way to rocks, and where the rocks became... sand...

-

"Huh, huh," Ranma panted, finally out of breath after running for an entire day at top speed, "It's no use. I still don't know where I am, and this place is a lot more forbidding than the forest I was in a day ago." A wall of rock and molded sand was before him, and in the dim, fading light he could see guards patrolling the top near a massive gate, marked with what looked, to him, like what someone who spoke English and not Japanese would call a giant, hollow letter "I". He walked closer, hoping it was a city in which he might be able to rest, a refuge against the winds that blew, he noticed, fletched with specks of sand and rock that began to grate against even his once powerful frame.

"Halt! Who are you who attempts to enter the village at night?" A guard at the top asked as Ranma, shivering, came near. 'It's getting colder, as it nears night. What a desert this is!' Ranma thought as he prepared a response.

"I, I am just looking for a warm place to spend the night, sir," Ranma responded, pretending to be the innocent child he appeared.

"Bah! You do not reach the Hidden Village of the Sand before night has fallen at least once on foot! I deny you your entrance, and you should be more careful with your pathetic trickery next time." The guard turned away, satisfied with leaving the gate shut, and Ranma grinned. 'Turning your back on someone you suspect to be dangerous? Tsk, tsk.'

Even with his depleted strength, Ranma was able to jump to the top of the gate. Before the guard had turned around again, Ranma was past him, leaving him embedded in the rock of the gate after using his head as a springboard into the night sky above the city.

-

Ranma was once again panting, hiding in an alleyway. "That... took... more out of me... than I expected..." He said to himself, cursing his young form.

"Hey, hey!" He heard a commotion from the mouth of the alley, and walked to the edge to look. A group of children, playing in the street as night fell, had accidentally kicked their only ball to the roof of a building. One of the smaller girls had even begun to cry.

"Damn it," Ranma spoke aloud, "I hate to reveal myself, but I can't stand to hear crying if I can do something about it." Walking into the open, he paused as the ball, with a slight crust of sand, began to descend as if of it's own power. It came to a rest in the arms of a small boy, who looked to be about four, who held it out to the others expectantly. That wasn't very strange to Ranma at all. 'So, he's telekinetic?'

What was strange to Ranma was the fact that all the other kids began to scream and run. "It's Gaara!" "Ahh, Gaara! Run!"

The kid with the ball began to look mad. "No! Stay! I just wanted to..." The sand around him began to swirl and then lashed out at the closest kid.

Ranma acted fast, despite his weakened state. He took the blow for the girl. "Wait, whoever you are!"

Gaara blinked. This kid didn't know who he was? That had never happened before.

"You should let them be!" Ranma said, strongly, and the other kids began to cheer him on.

"Huh? But they... are so mean..." Gaara began to clutch his chest and shiver.

"So let them be!" Ranma turned around and spat on the ground beside the child he had saved. "If that is there reaction to being helped then I don't know why you should give them that back in the first place!" Ranma said, pointing to the ball.

"What?" Gaara said, beginning to remove his hand from over his heart cautiously, letting the other hand hold the ball loosely.

"If you want," Ranma began, "I'll..." Ranma began to try and swallow his manly pride. 'I'm six! It's okay for a six year old to play kid games!'

Gaara thought to himself also. 'Is he scared of me as well?' His hand returned to his chest and he glared warily.

"I'll play ball with you!" Ranma finally answered.

Gaara, shocked, dropped his hand from his shirt and, for the first time, smiled.

-

"So, Gaara, you look happier than normal today." An attendant was helping Gaara put away his things to prepare to rest.

"Yashamaru. Today I... made a friend." Gaara smiled again, directing it at his uncle.

Yashamaru gasped, eyes wide, an action not lost on Gaara. "You, you did?" He managed to squeek out, before composing himself. Gaara's knife lay unused at his side. "Ahem. That's very good Gaara."

"Yashamaru. What does pain feel like?" Gaara asked, looking at Yashamaru closely.

Yashamaru took the knife from Gaara's holster and quickly, before Gaara could react, cut his own finger. "Ah..." He said softly.

"Gaara, pain is... it's hard to describe. It's hard to bear, it's something that is not easily ignored. It destroys the concentration and stability of those it affects." Yashamaru took his cut hand and showed it to Gaara. "There are two kinds of pain: Physical pain, and the pain of the heart. Physical pain can be healed easily, but there is only one medicine for pain of the heart."

"I think..." Gaara said, moving his hand over his heart, "It hurt here, for so long. But now... I feel less of a weight on my chest."

"There is only one medicine for pains of the heart," Yashamaru repeated, for emphasis, "Love, care, someone close to you can give you this and then your pain will become better."

Yashamaru thought of his sister, Gaara's mother, but could not think of a reason why Gaara would ever feel love like his for her, or even for anyone.

-

"_Yashamaru, I would like your help. I hurt someone today, and I want to apologize. Help me find some ointment, for cuts."_

Gaara thought of this as he walked through the darkened streets to where Ranma had been, where he had left him with the ball and a warm cloak so he would not be as cold.

"Ranma, how is your arm?" Gaara asked, tapping him lightly to wake him from his light sleep.

"Oh, Gaara. Heh heh, I'm all right!" Ranma flexed his arm, then cringed.

"Here, take this ointment. It should heal faster." Gaara then otherwise wordlessly handed him the ointment, his other hand slipping to the middle of his shirt.

"Gee, thanks!" Ranma said enthusiastically. "This stuff is really high quality," he continued with an appraising eye, "It's actually got some magic in it! Where'd you get this?" Ranma was overjoyed to be given a powerful healing gift. 'Who knows when this could come in handy?' He immediately spread a thin layer on the cut on his arm, sighing as he felt it take effect. 'Normally, this combined with my Ki healing ability would make this injury vanish in an instant. But I'm still weakened by my young age.'

Gaara lifted both arms and caught Ranma in a hug, taking a slight amount of care not to break the jar of healing ointment. When he began to cry, Ranma was worried, until he lifted his head to smile at Ranma. "Thank you, for accepting me."

Ranma held Gaara for a long time, the cold forgotten in the warmth of a new friendship cemented.

-

"Where do you think you're going, you kids!" A drunk accosted Ranma as Gaara led him back to his own place, deciding in the moment that any friend of his would not be staying in an alleyway with nothing but a torn cloak and thin silk clothing.

"Hey!" Ranma shouted back, and the man focused his eyes once more only to jump back in surprise.

"It's Gaara! Aaaah!" The man ran away, slipping and tripping drunkenly down the road in the opposite direction.

Ranma briefly turned around to watch. "Yeah, you better run!" His antics did a little to cheer Gaara up, and Gaara remembered Ranma's words from earlier in the day. 'If they run from me, it's their loss,' he thought, 'I only need one friend who doesn't care who I am to make me satisfied.' He turned to Ranma for a second.

"Hmm? Is anything wrong?" Ranma asked, suddenly worried and not joking at all.

Gaara turned back to the road ahead, smiling. "Not anymore."

-

AN: Not a yaoi. Don't you dare think that! Also, to give perspective, Ranma should be a bit taller than Gaara, he is about two years older, I reckon, by apparent age, not actual. I don't actually remember how old Gaara was at this point, so pretend it was always four, k?

-

Ranma jumped to the roof of the next building. "Here!" he yelled back down, "We can walk up here to avoid those losers!"

Gaara looked up for a second, before the sand as his feet coiled, and he began to lift until he was standing above Ranma's height at the top of the building. He stepped carefully down.

"Whoa..." Ranma said, impressed, as Gaara did not even worry about the words, "That was awesome!"

Gaara stood, basking in pride, before a whistling was heard behind him. Before the sand could even move to protect him, Ranma was already there, catching shuriken and kunai.

"Show yourself!" Ranma shouted, "Nobody attacks my friends!"

A veiled ninja stepped out from behind a chimney. "Hmm." He grunted, and let loose another volley of airborne steel, this one caught by the sand Gaara was concentrating on moving. Gaara gasped as he recognized a bandaged finger.

Ranma, himself, burst into action, his skill and power surprising the assassin. With a few well placed kicks, the man was sent flying back into the chimney, neck cracking against the wall.

"I... didn't mean to hurt him so bad..." Ranma whispered.

The man weakly took off his mask, confirming Gaara's fears.

"Yashamaru!" Gaara exclaimed, once more holding his heart in his hand, "Why?"

"It was... an order. But I could have refused. I hate you! Gaara, I have tried to think of you... as my sister's precious child... but she died... cursing this village. That sand protects out of love, but you have none! You killed her!" Yashamaru panted with the effort as he felt his life slipping away.

Ranma was shocked. "You killed her?" he asked Gaara, unbelieving.

Gaara cringed, sadly. "She died as I was born. My existance killed her!"

Ranma turned back to Yashamaru with renewed confidence. "How can you blame him for that? How?" He began to cry, slightly, at the horrible situation he found himself caught up in.

"Just... die..." A symbol on his chest became alight, and then exploded with a devastating force.

Ranma was unharmed inside a thin shell of sand connected to a thicker one in front of Gaara.

Gaara was stunned by the betrayal and the effects. 'The sand protects out of love...' he thought, and looked to his friend, untouched by the explosion.

-

AN: Please, flame me. I deserve nothing less. /sarcasm


	3. Missing Nins, and a New Technique

Results

Chapter two: The Missing Nin and a New technnique

This story is dedicated to someone, but I forget who, exactly.

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

/commentary/ or AN: commentary

(Telepathy)

Scene change, now with 100 less silly crap: -

-

"Listen up!" Maito Gai was enthusiastic as well as incredibly loud. "The missing nin we are looking for is Zabuza! The Devil in the Mist! We have been hired to take him out!"

"I know." Kakashi answered boredly as he read from his Love Love Paradise novel.

"My rival! I will defeat him and take all the glory!" Gai shouted.

"Huh? Did you say something?" Kakashi said, feigning confusion.

"Your attitude is so hip!" Gai said, groaning. "Well, anyway, there are rumors of other missing nins meeting up with him in the area, a couple of A-Rank missing nins from the Sand."

"So?" Kakashi said, sarcastically.

"We may have to fight them too!" Gai said, explaining.

"So?" Kakashi repeated, sarcastically.

Gai just groaned again, and they both walked into the village, trying not to call too much attention to themselves, which was hard, considering Gai's teeth were shining like floodlights.

Gaara rose from his position hidden in the sand beneath the path, and Ranma shimmered into view beside the road. "A-Rank?" Gaara asked.

"From the sand, eh? Maybe it's someone you know." Ranma replied. "We'd better make sure they aren't after us..." Ranma said, regaining his serious demeanor, "After all, even the two of us can't take down Jounins yet." Ranma and Gaara were still only seven and five, respectively, though Ranma thought his maturity level had reached eight, at least.

-

The tall man with the giant sword merely passed the small boy crying near the side of the bridge, until he sensed a source of power right behind him. Turning quickly around, he saw the boy was now talking to two other children, both with red hair, 'Possibly siblings,' he thought. The smaller one, the boy, had a large gourd strapped to his back, and the taller one, the girl, had no apparent armaments, but Zabuza knew that looks were often deceiving.

"Now, why don't I help you kids out?" Zabuza came closer, feigning concern, "I can take you away form this terrible place." Inside, he was already scheming: 'I recognize that boy, now! He has the Mirrors bloodline... What luck to find him so open and defenseless!'

But the girl was not convinced. "What do you want, Ninja?" She asked, not trusting, "I've dealt with your type before."

"Now listen here, you're gonna work for me... SHIT!" Zabuza took off running in the other direction, followed closely by Gai and Kakashi.

Ranma sighed. "Looks like he won't be hurting us, Gaara. Now about you... you said your name was Haku?" Ranma asked, smiling.

-

"Gai?" Kakashi asked, taking his eyes off Zabuza for the moment.

"Yes, my eternal rival?" Gai answered casually.

"Wasn't that the missing nin from the Sand?" Kakashi replied, also casually.

"What?" He also took his eyes off Zabuza, but quickly turned them back.

"Shit!" Kakashi said, in an uncommon display of emotion. "Zabuza got away!"

"Well, at least we drove him out of this village," Gai said, sheepishly.

Returning to the bridge they were unsurprised to find not a trace of the three children who were once there.

-

To know how Ranma gages skill, you would have to have seen one of his fights in this strange world. He was, at first, scared, because so many people who wanted to fight were Ki users, which to him meant they were powerful enough, without their ki, to break walls and throw a hundred or so punches a second. He didn't know how Chakra worked. When he learned that they all used shortcuts – hand signs and a lot of focusing to produce small amounts of power.

He'd learned alright. If he could see them making slow and deliberate hand signs, they were probably meat.

/Meat, of course, stands for "Dead Meat"/

-

"Gaara!" The small boy shouted to the smaller boy, "Plan 1!"

"Get a load of this kid..." One bandit gleefully said to another, "He thinks they can take us with a 'plan!' heh."

"No. I said plan 1." Ranma said, smirking, as Gaara stealthily disappeared from sight. "That just means to use enough skill that you can't even lay a finger on us."

"What!" The bandit shrieked, before Ranma disappeared not so covertly into thin air.

"Oh. Shit." The second bandit was no longer there, and the first looked around frantically until a simple impact on his face knocked him out and broke his nose.

Ranma shimmered into view. "Jeez. I didn't even move after using the Umi-sen-ken... And he still didn't find me. What happened to the skilled ki user who could change his appearance at will?"

Gaara appeared again, rising from the sand of the path, holding the second bandit unconscious at his feet. "Sometimes, a lot of skill and no brains can combine to be totally useless."

"Heh. Guess you're right. They never stood a chance."

"I was talking about you, Ranma..." Gaara laughed and walked ahead as Ranma figured out just what he meant.

"Hey!"

-

"Training?" Gaara asked, pausing for once in surprise.

"Yeah, training. I'd like to teach you my family style." Ranma replied matter-of-factly.

"Why would I need training? I have my sand, and since I take it everywhere, I can never be harmed." Gaara started to continue walking.

"Watch this." Gaara turned in time to see Ranma disappear. "Can you stop this?" Ranma's voice echoed from all directions, but Gaara quickly put up a full shell of sand, completely sealing himself from the outside world.

"Ha!" Ranma said, appearing again within the shell, and raised his hand to strike.

Gaara clutched his chest, anticipating a terrible blow, but relaxed when he felt only a slight tap on his forehead.

"There, you see? If you'd known how to block I'd never have hit you with that!" Ranma sighed, but smiled again as Gaara cheered up. "Now let me outta here, will ya?"

"Thank you, Ranma." Gaara said, smiling and taking Ranma's hand before letting the sand loose again.

"Eheh... we can begin training whenever you like." Ranma was glad Gaara was feeling okay. What was that pained look on his face?

-

"S-so they just used me, because they were scared of my power, and I tried to kill myself..." Haku was crying, walking alongside Ranma and Gaara shortly after they had taken him out of the way of Zabuza, Gai, and Kakashi.

Ranma shared a knowing look with Gaara. "He's just like you... Like us." Ranma said, and Gaara nodded.

"Alright!" Ranma said, loudly, "You can travel with us!"

"Huh?" Haku was shocked out of his tears.

"We're both homeless ninja. We will make you one of us!" Gaara said, slightly less loudly, but still above his normal light voice.

"One of... you? Like a family?" Haku was almost in tears again.

Ranma thought on that for a moment. "Yeah... Like a family."

Haku almost fell, grabbing onto Ranma and Gaara and beginning to cry.

"Whoa, what'd I say wrong?" Ranma was beginning to think his social skills weren't as good as he once thought.

"Nothing's wrong. These are tears of happiness... you idiot." Haku said, playfully.

"Oh, oh, good... Hey!"

-

"So... would that make you like my older sister and younger brother?" Haku asked, after a few minutes.

"What? Oh..." Ranma remembered, suddenly, that he had forgotten to change back after crossing that river and climbing onto the bridge. "Well... It's like this. I have a... special ability, kind of like a bloodline..."

"Huh?" Haku asked, turning to Gaara, who was merely looking at Ranma.

"Water Element: Steaming Blast!" Ranma shouted, bothering to make the hand signs because, after all, it was not a combat situation and he could stand to preserve his Chakra. A small spout of steaming hot water appeared, blasting from his hand to his own face.

"That's not much of a power..." Haku sighed, before looking again.

"What? Now you're a boy?" Haku shouted, disbelieving.

"Yep. And it's not even a transformation jutsu. I really have become a boy." Ranma said, almost proudly. His built-in disguise was something he had learned to use, and it wasn't even a bother at all, especially at an age before breasts... He had heard of girls who mature at age eight, but luckily, he had not become one of them.

"Teach me how to do that!" Haku said, excited and amazed.

"Uh..." Ranma was at a loss. 'Not another crossdresser!'

"So... Younger brother, and Older neither!" Haku exclaimed, happily.

Ranma groaned unconvincingly, even to himself. 'I think I really like it here, with people who don't beat me up except in training and who don't want to love me like some sort of status symbol instead of an actual emotion... Wait a sec, that's too deep. I like the food here a lot...'

-

"We've been to the villages of Mist and Sand, so far. Which one should we look in next?" Ranma consulted with his two conspirators. "It took us a whole year to find the village of Mists, but that's because we weren't really looking for it..."

"Lets just wander. I don't see your obsession with finding a hidden village to stay at." Gaara said, sulking at having to travel so far, yet still hoping at finding a home, now that he had a family.

"Lets go to the Hidden Village of the Sound!" Haku said suddenly, "They are a relatively new village, so they are bound to accept new ninja!"

"Well, we can try it. Which way is it?" Ranma asked, nodding.

"Umm..."

"It's going to be a long year, isn't it?" Gaara said, resigned.

Ranma and Haku could only nod.

-

A nine year old Ranma, eight year old Haku, and seven year old Gaara found themselves at the village of the Sound, strangely foreboding even when compared to the Sand.

"Aha, so you've come here." A voice said from behind them as they stared at the gates.

Ranma and Haku turned around, but Gaara remained looking forward. "Who are you?"

"The real question would be, who are you? Actually, I already know. Saotome Ranma, and recently adopted Saotome Gaara and Saotome Haku. Missing nins, the three. Two A-Rank, one S-Rank... And all below the age of ten. My, my." The pale ninja, bearing the headband with the mark of the Sound, walked slowly closer. "You should be better behaved!"

"What do you want? Tell us who you are." Gaara said, not even looking at the man behind him.

"Huh? Look at me when I'm speaking to you, kid!" The man said, red-faced with anger.

"I think not. I'm looking... at your foolish friends, who think they can hide." With that, Gaara sunk quickly into the ground, using a small earth jutsu to change the nearby earth into sand. Ranma's shadow clone vanished with a puff of smoke, and Haku dashed away with blinding speed. Three kunai, one aimed at each of the three, missed by a wide margin.

Ranma's voice echoed through a narrow alley behind the wall. "Regroup!"

Haku dashed in, Gaara rose from the ground, and Ranma faded into sight. "Well, so much for a warm reception here."

"But look... a bonus prize!" Gaara rubbed his hands together with anticipation. The door in front of them was marked simply "Supplies."

-

"Ha! Ninja headbands. We have all become Genins, I am so proud!" Ranma said, looking at the shining metal plates, Gaara having placed his on the shoulder strap of his gourd and Haku wearing his above his ANBU-esque mask.

"But how should we mark them?" Haku asked, and Gaara experimented with shapes of a thin layer of sand.

"I think that, until we find a village to actually stay in, we should leave them blank. We are homeless ninja, so we should not display a village on our headbands." Ranma said, sagely.

"Heh, you just can't think of anything!" Haku said, and ran ahead several steps, enjoying the glint of the sun off his headband on the ground before him.

The three of them contemplated the thin metal plates for a long time.

-

AN: I had to make it a team of three for the Chunnin exams, of course!


	4. Interlude: A Little Bit of Leprosy

Results

Interlude 1:

A Little Bit of Leprosy

"Speech"

'thought'

_Sound Effects, not Sound Ninja_

/comments/ or AN: comments

Scene changes: -

-

"Bun-buns."

"What?" Shampoo asked, disturbed.

"Bun-buns." Cologne asked again, insistently.

"What is it Great-Grandmother?" Shampoo asked, her will corroded by months of cardiac problems and random babbling.

"I remember, everything." Cologne said, for a moment appearing lucid.

"You do? This great news!" Shampoo almost yelled with excitement. Finally, finally her Great Grandmother had recovered!

"Yesss... I now remember what I promised myself I would do, the night I defeated Crazy Uncle Jiro for the final time." Cologne cackled madly, and then started saying, "Evil laugh! Giggle!" over and over.

Shampoo sighed once more. Today was not a good day at all.

-

The Tendo Dojo, almost forgotten by fans of the series, was in disarray. After a year of Ranma not actually being there, the situation had degraded until almost unbearable.

Akane had spent a lot of time crying, as much as seven hours per day. 'I can't believe that...' she thought for the hundredth time. 'I can't believe they canceled my favorite anime!'

She was taking it well.

Kasumi was cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, must purge the dirt, oh my god it's all over me must scrub my hand my face my body remove the impurity AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yeah, little case of obsessive compulsive disorder there.

Nabiki was counting money, the same money, in fact, that she had been counting when Ranma left, over and over again, because after Ranma left, it was the only money she could get her hands on.

'This is boring,' she thought, boredly.

Happosai had been particularly saddened by Ranma's disappearance, until he learned it meant he was unopposed ruler of Nerima's lingerie, and went on a rampage. At that moment, he decided to blast his way through the wall, running away from a certain old-age-plagued matriarch.

"You won't escape, Goku! I, the prince of Saiyajins, will defeat you!" Cologne shouted as she finally managed to grab him and stop him from leaving.

Shampoo ran through the destroyed wall. "Great-Grandmother, stop!"

"You'll never catch me alive, coppers!" She said, as she cast a green liquid over Happosai's head, causing him to moan and thrash.

The liquid missed Happosai completely, and hit Kasumi, who shrieked and redoubled her hand-washing efforts, blood running down her skin, rubbed raw. With a sudden _fwoom, _she disappeared.

Genma came into the room as soon as he heard the _fwoom. _ "What's going on?" He asked, seeing a bloody sink, Cologne apparently ravishing Happosai, and Shampoo standing there dumbfounded.

Cologne waved her hand at him, and with a _pop _and a _smoosh, _he was suddenly screaming, his tainted skin falling off in handfuls and drips, collecting at his ankles like carelessly discarded pudding.

Cologne frowned and brought out a rather large spoon from the top of her cane. "Bun-buns, take this." She handed the spoon to Shampoo.

"What Shampoo do with this, Great-Grandmother?" Shampoo asked, now more confused than ever and feeling a cardiac arrest building within her chest.

"Nothing, Bun-buns. That's your job." Cologne giggled like a schoolgirl and the guffawed like a sailor, complete with bad words.

Shampoo dropped the spoon as she fell, spasming from the seizure.

Happosai disappeared in a puff of smoke and a _spangle,_ and Cologne dragged Nabiki away by the hair, yelling about how the martians would never get her now. Genma continued to scream, long after the ambulence arrived and declared him dead from skin and blood loss.

-

AN: Well, that's two more Ranmaverse characters down the drains, and one more in the coffin. I wonder where they ended up?

If you guess correctly in a review or email, I will PM you with a note. Good luck, dumbfaces! And by dumbface I mean honored, important and handsome fan!


	5. Crazy Angel and the Chuunin Exams

Results

Chapter 3: Crazy Angel of Konoha and The Chuunin Exams

This story is dedicated to the my-face-to-your-fist martial arts style. I bled first! I win!

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

_Sound Effects_

/Comments/ or AN: comments

AN: I was originally going to have this huge, sappy, waffy explanation of what Kasumi had been doing so far in Konoha but then decided it was too bad. Have a nice day!

Scene changes: -

-

Kasumi Tendo walked calmly down the streets of Konoha, carrying a small basket of groceries and humming softly as she strolled along.

Nothing out of the ordinary, actually, except for the two shining wings behind her back, curling gracefully behind her head.

Kabuto, rookie failure and multiple dropout, was in love. "Hey, who's that angel over there?" He asked a passing Jounin, "She even has wings?"

"Take a second look, with an illusion dispelling jutsu." The Jounin said, and quickly walked off, cringing and attempting to avoid the eyes of the girl.

Kabuto did so, putting his hands quickly into the seals so as not to be noticed, and then stared open-mouthed at the strange sight now before him.

-

"So... Tendo Ranko, Tendo Gaara, and Tendo Haku, here to sign up for the Chuunin exams... from the village of Sound?" The man at the desk looked at them, questioningly. "Any relation to the Crazy Angel?"

Ranma had struck a deal with a slightly corrupt Sound jounin – in exchange for a little cash, they would be able to participate in the Chuunin exams in Konoha, the one hidden village they had not yet visited in their quest for a home. "Who?" he asked cautiously.

"Tendo Kasumi, the Crazy Angel of Konoha." The ticket man said, wondering who had possibly not heard of her. "She's one of the Chuunin in this village."

"Uh... I _do _have a cousin by that name." Ranma said, trying to hide the fact that he was lying through his teeth. "Where does she live? We'll visit her before the exams begin tomorrow."

"Here." He quickly scribbled down an address and handed it to Ranma.

"Huh. Why don't we check it out, guys?" Ranma remarked to his partners.

"Who is this 'Kasumi'?" Gaara asked suspiciously.

"Someone I used to know, a long time ago." Ranma answered mystically.

"Whatever. Lets find out." Gaara concentrated a little harder, and the sand transforming their Ninja Headbands to bear the symbol of Sound solidified, making it a little easier for him to stop concentrating; it would stay on it's own for a few hours.

Making their way through the crowds, the trio tried not to attract attention, despite the strange clothing, giant container full of sand, and animal mask.

As they neared their destination, a small orange shape knocked into Ranma, prompting Haku and Gaara to ready themselves as Ranma stumbled back a step and the orange shape was knocked to the floor.

"Oof! Sorry about that. I should have looked where I was going! Heh hehe!" Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha genin and orange speeding blob, attempted to apologize. "Hey! Ninja from another village!"

Ranma, Gaara, and Haku all nervously nodded at that.

"Are you here for the Chuunin exams?" Naruto asked enthusiastically.

"Yes, but for now we are looking for someone. Do you know Tendo Kasumi?" Ranma asked.

"Kasu...mi... Oh! You mean the Crazy Angel! She's pretty nice, but also creepy." Naruto said, shivering, but then perked up again. "I'm going to be in the Chuunin exams as well! Good luck!" Naruto then went speeding off again, completely ignoring the three.

"Creepy? That's not like Kasumi." Ranma said, and continued through to the address on the card.

Knocking on the door, Gaara tapped his foot impatiently. Haku asked Ranma softly, "Are you sure she'll still remember you? It has to have been at least six years... since you haven't seen her since you knew me..."

"Eight years," Gaara corrected, "Since he didn't see her after he met me either."

"Ehe..." Ranma began, "I knew her before I became a ninja."

"Before you were six years old? How do _you _remember?" Haku asked, turning his head slightly to the side.

As soon as Ranma opened his /well, at the moment, her/ mouth to answer, the door opened, revealing a shining light and an angelic, winged figure.

"Kasumi!" He /she/ shouted, "Long time no... see... When did you get wings?" Ranma asked, only able to keep his mind because of the strange things he had already seen.

Kasumi looked confused for a moment, before turning around and grabbing one of them with her hands. "Oh, these. No, these are just an illusion jutsu! Try using a dispel."

Ranma did so, and then turned back to his friends. "Definitely not like the Kasumi I knew..."

Making a few more seals, she was returned to the pretty winged form. "It's been so long, Ranma. When did you become 14 years old?"

"His birthday way a couple months ago." Gaara answered quickly.

"No, I meant why isn't he... let's see... he should be around 20 years old, now." Kasumi answered after a lot of thinking.

"20?" Haku asked.

"Um. Cologne cast an age-reversal spell on me before she banished me here. I was six years old when I came here. How long ago did you get here?" Ranma answered, being mindful of the disbelieving stare from Haku and casual acceptance of the strange new information from Gaara.

Turning around, he explained. "I didn't think it was important enough to mention. I'm this age now, anyway, and I don't mind the extra years of life... so..." Ranma trailed off.

Gaara nodded. "I expected as much. It's one of the only ways a moron like you could learn so much before the age of six." Gaara added the last phrase with a smirk.

"I understand," Haku said simply, "You were finally given an age to match your mental maturity. Pity you then went and grew faster than your mind."

"Hey!" Ranma said, "That old hermit we met said I was a taijutsu genius!"

"Just kidding, Ranma! You shouldn't take it so seriously." Gaara said, beginning to laugh.

Turning back around semi-angrily, Ranma brightened as soon as he saw Kasumi again. "So, how long have you been here?"

"Just one year, actually. Cologne must have sent me here a while after you. Have you really been here eight years so far?" Kasumi asked.

"Yes. We're here to take the Chuunin exams."

"Oh, those? They're easy, if you have the stomach for it. Come in, and you can introduce me to your friends..."

'The stomach for it?' Ranma asked, wondering at the changes in his old friend. Gaara and Haku followed him into the small apartment.

-

"Hey, look! It's that kid from before." Gaara remarked as they waited for the exams to begin.

"You're right." Haku said, laughing, "He's making some sort of speech about never giving up. It's so cute."

"I think, as your older sister, I am forbidding you to finish that line of thought." Ranma said, trying to remain in character with his gender nouns.

"Listen up!" A shout came from the front of the room. "This is the start of the first of three Chuunin Exams! The written test!"

Suddenly, the room became quiet.

"I am the examiner for this first section, Morino Ibiki! There are a few rules. Listen well, because I will not repeat myself. You will all be assigned seats at random. Then, you will be given test sheets. The final grade will be team-based: If any one of you fails, all three fail. In addition, anyone caught cheating more than five times will be instantly failed. There will be ten questions. The tenth is withheld until the last ten minutes of the exam." He finished his speech, and began helping the assistants hand out sheets. Sitting at the large desk at the front, facing the room, he continued. "These assistants will be constantly checking for any and all signs of cheating. Good luck."

Ranma was placed far enough away from Haku and Gaara that she could not see them at all. "This may be difficult. We will just have to not get caught cheating." she remarked into a mirror while pretending to check her hair.

"I will relay the information. I assume you will be using your most stealthy jutsu?" Haku responded, making sure the mask prevented anyone from seeing where his eyes were looking.

"I will use my sand eye jutsu, just in case." Gaara chimed in, just as the exam was starting.

'Combination jutsu: Clone Jutsu and Umi-sen-ken!' Ranma cast her jutsu silently with the help of the umi-sen-ken, and snuck off, leaving a pencil-pushing doppelganger in her place.

-

"Pencils down!" The examiner shouted. "I will now give the tenth question... but first, another rule."

"Huh? What?" The ninja classroom was confused.

"Before I give you the tenth question, you must all make a decision. If you get the tenth question wrong, you may never take the Chuunin exam again!"

Ranma zoned out as the orange kid made another stupid speech.

"You may choose not to take the tenth question. If you do so, your entire team also fails! You have a choice: Do you risk losing everything, or do you let your team down?" The examiner's face betrayed no emotion.

The class was hushed. Nervous energy flowed around the room, but came to rest mostly on a single Genin.

"I... I will not take the tenth question." A skinny, black haired Sand ninja was the first to give in.

"Ikari Shinji. Fail. Kankurou and Temari, his teammates, also fail." The examiner did not change facial expression at all in this time.

"Shinji, you shit! I'm going to kill you!" Kankurou exclaimed as he stalked out.

After that interesting failure, Ranma didn't pay much attention. A couple people had been failed for cheating too much, and a couple more quit. He didn't really care. He was waiting for the question.

"All right. This is the last chance. Will any of you give up?" The examiner took one last look around the room. "Very well. You all pass." The examiner continued his blank yet hostile stare until the kid who identified himself as Naruto spoke up again.

"What? That's it?" He exclaimed, almost madly.

"Yes. You pass. On to the next exam." Suddenly, a huge banner flew into the room, bearing the words "Exam 2" on the front. Anko, the second examiner, announced herself and brought the genin to their second destination.

-

Ibiki picked up the paper exams, enjoying reading some of the horrible answers. More of the students appeared to have discovered the planted geniuses, this time – almost all of the papers bore a resemblance to the correct answer. Then his eyes went wide.

"Uzumaki Naruto, eh? This is the first time someone passed the test without a single answer!" He laughed and continued to the next paper down the column. "Gah?"

He rubbed his eyes and checked again. "How did she get this? She wasn't caught cheating at all, not even once! Well... actually, I guess this counts as one. Why did she expect to be able to turn this in as if it was her test?" He laughed softly and erased the name "Tendo Ranko" from the top of the answer key and returned it to his suspiciously unlocked desk.

-

Ranma stared intently at his fingernails as the orange kid caused yet another commotion. He sighed and began to toss a kunai in the air and catch it.

An arm of sand intercepted his projectile. "Did you even listen to the rules at all?" Gaara asked, almost frustrated with the number of times he, the youngest, had had to be the most mature and make Ranma do what was appropriate.

"Umm. We have to get 2 scrolls and then reach some tower." Ranma answered, slowly as he thought about what had been said.

"We have only ten days, and the tower is in the center of the area. Otherwise, you got it right. Oh, and we need two different scrolls – heaven and earth." Gaara was surprised that Ranma had payed any attention at all.

"Heh. I bet we finish in less than two days." Haku said, listening in to the conversation while checking his Kunai.

Ranma then heard running footsteps behind him, and the three turned.

"Kasumi? What is it?" Ranma asked, opening his eyes wider than the sleepy half he had previously accomplished.

Panting, she stood up and reached for one of her wings, pulling a large scroll out from the side of the left wing. "This is the result of hard work and preparation! Ranma, I knew I would find you again, so I had this made." Kasumi beamed proudly and presented him with the gift.

"What does it do, Kasumi?" Ranma accepted it and then looked again into Kasumi's cheerful eyes.

"It can summon, Ranma, any water. The user of this scroll will be able to have any water he or she wants! It only works once, but there is more than one water that can have a lasting effect..." Kasumi adopted a lecturing pose for her long dialog, pointer finger pointed upwards.

"Any... water..." Ranma said, realizing the significance of the scroll's power. "Thank you, Kasumi! I will be sure to use it when I have a chance!"

"Ohhhh Kaaay!" Anko, the second examiner, shouted, "Genin, to your assigned gates!"

Ranma, Gaara, and Haku turned back to see Kasumi already gone.

-

"So, we have the heaven scroll... that means we need an earth scroll..." Ranma thought out loud.

"Coincidence, us getting gate one." Haku said, confidently, "Because we are going to finish first."

The examiner's assistant that had led them to the gate and given them their scroll spoke up. "I wouldn't be so cocky. Many top rookie ninja have met their match in this second exam. The forest of death is not to be taken lightly."

"We are beyond the top rookies." Gaara said, leaving his eyes closed, "We are estimated to be Jounin level."

"It is not wise to rank yourself." The examiner said sagely.

"This 'estimate' was made by the Jounin we have defeated." Haku said, in an equally sage tone.

"Uh? Ah, the others are in place." The assistant moved to the gate and unlocked it. "Go!"

-

"Hmm." Ranma thought to himself about the exam as he jumped through the trees, alone. 'We haven't even encountered anyone in the few hours we have been here. Is it possible to lose because we did not reach an enemy in time to take their scroll?'

His thoughts were cut short. "Ahem. I have been waiting for you." A long-haired ninja of Konoha stood on a branch a scant 10 meters away. "Saotome Ranma, eh? I know all about you."

Ranma almost didn't notice. "You... you know my name? My real name?" For an instant, Ranma was scared, until his eyes rested a meter above the ninja, in the obscuring leaves of the upper branches.

"Saotome Ranma. Unranked rogue ninja, reportedly from the sand... though there is no record of you before being declared a criminal. I wonder..."

Ranma tensed. "You know so much about me. Tell me who you are!" Ranma demanded.

"Kabuto. I am Kabuto, multiple failure and information collector." Kabuto grinned. "You also have an unknown connection to Kasumi-sama."

Ranma smiled. "Did you bring your scroll to confront me like this?" He asked suddenly, changing the topic.

"No, why?" Kabuto was surprised.

"Because," Ranma said, flashing from his branch to Kabuto's in an instant, "If you have it, we might have already won right here."

Kabuto knew no more.

-

Gaara did not jump in the trees. He preferred to enjoy a nice walk, as if on a sandy beach or perhaps a pleasant oasis in the desert.

He narrowed his eyes as he reached the end of the sanded path.

"Earth Element: The Desert Spreads!" He shouted, making the hand seal quickly.

He smiled and continued to slowly walk through the sand, making his presence obvious and leaving a trail of earth converted to sand behind him.

-

Haku jumped along, leisurely, taking his time but ensuring that not a step was heard. The commotion of battle soon reached his serene ear.

He stopped when he saw the orange kid and his team fighting a host of replicas on the ground while the badly hidden users of the technique remained in the tree above.

"I wonder if I will find a scroll here?" Haku said to himself, the only sound he had made, and moved closer.

Haku frowned when he heard the mean laughter of the attackers. Slipping in ever closer, he stopped when he was withing arms length of the intensely concentrating and oblivious mist ninja.

"I feel a presence," one said, turning around. "Hmm. It's nothing." Reaching into his pack for another kunai or shuriken, he frowned. "That's strange. I thought I had more than this."

The other two turned their heads slowly. "Open the pack..."

"What? Our scroll... is gone!" Turning angrily back to the fight, the victim opened his eyes wide. "Our replicas are gone!" Standing next to the team of three that had been such easy prey, Haku was finishing off the last replica. "Dispel!"

"You! You stole our scroll!" The leader of the three exclaimed.

Haku turned slyly. "You mean these?" Holding up a handful of shuriken, raised to throw, Haku used biting sarcasm. "Or these?" he said, guiltily holding up a handful of kunai.

"He's... going to attack! Duck!" The three hid behind the forward branch, but Haku disappeared as he lunged forward into his throw.

"A mirror?" Naruto questioned to no one in particular, "Where'd that guy go?"

Haku slid silently out of the mirror he had hid behind the three. Throwing the projectiles precisely, he pinned the enemy completely.

"Or... you meant this?" He said softly, enjoying the look of fear on his opponents' faces when they realized they were trapped, holding up the captured earth scroll. "I think I'll leave you to face the consequences."

Haku gracefully slid back into the mirror, emerging before Naruto and his team.

-

"He wasn't lying..." Ranma said angrily as he finished removing all the contents of Kabuto's pack. "And he was alone, too. Damn, I'm never going to get two scrolls on time."

Leaving Kabuto bound to a tree, he continued on, searching for other genin teams.

-

"What did you say?" Gaara said, slowly, looking at the team of three behind him.

"Were you abandoned by your team? You must be so weak that they think you're better off dying." The one with the umbrella laughed again, harshly.

"I think you have your signals wrong. I'm angry enough to kill you, now." Gaara said, remaining calm.

"Hah! All three of us? It will take only me to take you down!" The apparent leader of the team threw his umbrella into the air, where it rotated quickly.

"Throwing away an advantage is a bad idea." Gaara said, tossing a wave of sand in the way of the rain of needles that assaulted him. "You encountered me alone and had an advantage of numbers. Attacking one at a time defeats the purpose."

Catching the umbrella, the man retorted, "I'll defeat you even if you can block the first attack! This next one won't miss!"

"You aren't listening, so I guess I won't say any more." Gaara raised his hand, and the sand he had prepared around the area came up and captured the man, leaving only his head out of the sand. "Desert Coffin!"

"Wha... What is this?" The man said, trying to struggle his way out but failing.

"You are defeated. I need not answer." Gaara gestured, and the heaven scroll the man was carrying shot out of the sand for him to catch.

"Thanks for the scroll. I'll be going now." With that, he turned and slowly walked off in another direction.

The other two were stunned just enough not to realize that Gaara had bound their feet as well.

-

"He's powerful." Kiba said, watching from the bushes. Gaara had exited the scene to the left, and the three watched as the two with merely sand-covered feet tried to escape to help their comrade. Akamaru had retreated to his owner's jacket in fear of the young man with black eyes.

Hinata looked in the direction Gaara had left in, and activate her Byakugan. "Look out!"

Her cry came only an instant before Gaara's voice. "Earth Element: The Desert Spreads!" The sand extended along the path just behind the bush, and Gaara walked slowly along it, not looking any direction but forward.

Kiba breathed a sigh of relief. Hinata explained, "I thought he was surely making seals to attack us."

After he was a few meters past Kiba, Hinata, and Shino, Gaara stopped. "Be happy you didn't decide to attack me either," he said, turning his head to face the foliage they hid behind, "Because I show no mercy."

Hinata first, then Kiba and Shino as well, decided that discretion was the better part of valor and took the chance to run away.

-

AN: Did I do this too fast? Maybe in a rewrite I'll add more detail.


	6. That Thing You Did

Results

Chapter 4: That Thing You Did

This story is dedicated to both the Wonders and Felix Jung, for producing music that makes me cry and laugh at the same time. Boston Masochist!

For a story key, see chapter 3.

-

Sasuke adopted a fighting pose. "Are you going to attack us as well, Sound ninja?" He accused.

Haku only smiled behind his mask. "I don't really want to start anything. I have the scrolls I need." He held up the captured earth scroll. "My brother has the heaven scroll, so that's the end of that."

"We already have an earth scroll, too. There is no reason to fight, then." Sakura lessened her guard.

Haku giggled slightly. "I wouldn't fight you anyways," he said, turning towards Naruto. "You're too cute!"

Naruto took a step back, and whispered towards Sasuke. "I can't tell if that's a guy or a girl!" He said urgently.

Sasuke shook his head, once. "Notice the Adam's apple."

Naruto blinked his eyes and kept them shut.

-

Gaara held his face in his hands. "Why? Why do you keep bothering me?" He asked rhetorically.

"We're going to make you cry out in pain! We're going to take those scrolls!" Gaara had a handful of both earth and heaven scrolls.

"Don't you see the blood on the sand? I'm only going to regroup with my team! Don't make me take your scroll as well!" Gaara was exasperated. Did he seem so weak? Did he have to use Ranma's aura technique to keep these insects away?

"We don't have a scroll! It was stolen." The middle one almost proudly responded.

Gaara sighed and walked by them, not bothering to confront them. The sand sunk around the three mist ninja, and they submerged up to their necks.

"This is kind of cozy, actually. Now if only there weren't so many... ants..." The mist ninja were wondering if they had some bad karma or something.

-

"Haku is late. Not like him to be late." Ranma commented.

"He probably found a cute boy to bring home." Gaara said, jokingly. "You know how he is. Almost like he has to have a crush to validate his existence or something."

"Don't say that! Now it will be true..." Ranma said, sliding down the rock he was sitting on until he was lying at its base.

"Hi guys! Look what I found on my way here!" Haku announced himself slightly before he was in sight.

"Oh no. You were right, Gaara." Ranma said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"Isn't he cute?" Haku said, gesturing to Naruto and then to Sasuke. "I got two of them this time!"

"Couldn't you be interested in her, instead?" Ranma said, wearily pointing to Sakura.

"Nope!" Haku said, cheerfully.

"At least it isn't that Kabuto guy..." Ranma said to himself.

"Hey!" Naruto said suddenly, "Aren't you the guys I met before the exams?"

"Yes. What are you, stupid?" Gaara said, bored.

"Yes." Sasuke responded.

-

"Hey!" Naruto said, suddenly.

"What is it now, Naruto?" Sakura asked, angry at her idiotic partner.

"I just realized what Sasuke meant ten minutes ago, right before Gaara gave us his spare heaven scroll! That was mean!"

'Did it really take him so long to figure out?' Sakura was disturbed.

-

"So. Second." Ranma was royally pissed.

"It appears they had already collected two scrolls when I saw them. They ran for the tower when I went to find you." Gaara answered, calmly preparing to restrain the insane Ranma.

"You saw them? And didn't stop them?" Ranma was frothing at the mouth.

"You did tell us to be nice to anyone who was nice to us, you know. We don't want to make any enemies, you said!" Haku tried to mediate.

Ranma deflated immediately. "You're right, Haku."

"You don't always have to come in first, Ranma." Gaara let slip a parting shot.

"What did you say!" Ranma began fuming once more.

-

"Anko! Examiner!" The shouts reached her as she finished her dango.

"What is it?" She asked, throwing the wooden skewer with such force that it lodged itself in the tree, completing her sign of Konoha.

"Orochimaru is in the Forest!"

-

"So..." Ranma began, having calmed down. "this scroll..." He trailed off, not looking up to see his companions' faces.

"You'll... You'll be happy, Ranma. I won't stop you." Haku turned away.

"No. I'm happy already. Summoning Jutsu!" He cried, opening the scroll.

A splash of water resounded through the almost-empty stadium in the main hall of the tower.

-

"Stop!" Gaara ran to catch up to Haku.

"No!" Gaara noted that Haku's voice was slightly off, sounding almost exactly as if he was distracted.

"Please. You should be used to it by now. It's just how Ranma is." Gaara put his hand on his older brother's shoulder. "Besides, we both know it's been desired for a long time now."

"You're right. I should be happy. I am, it's just..." Haku trailed off, looking around. "The Jounin guards of this tower have run off in a hurry. Maybe we should check it out."

"I'll get Ranma. You go on ahead." Gaara went to find Ranma, who had been surprised enough by Haku's reaction that he'd run himself.

-

Naruto was struggling to hold the giant snake at bay. "You're just a scared kitten!" He yelled at Sasuke, defiantly.

Sasuke stood back a step, realizing his position fully.

Orochimaru laughed, and the snake tossed Naruto into the air before him. "It would be fun to study you..." Orochimaru began, "But I have better things to do. Five Element Seal!" With that, Naruto's chakra all but disappeared. He began to fall from the air to the hard ground below.

"Now... for you..." Orochimaru made a hand seal, and his neck stretched impossibly, allowing him to bite into Sasuke's neck. A strangely shaped bruise was left under the bite.

As he reversed his neck stretching technique, he felt a sudden sting in the neck and realized he could not retrieve his head – it was stuck five meters out, flailing slightly and beginning to droop as he lost motor control in his face and shoulders. Two fine needles protruded from his neck at odd angles along his extended skin.

"You hurt Naruto-chan! I won't forgive you!" A masked figure stood on a lower branch, holding Naruto's fallen form protectively.

Orochimaru's eyes widened. "ANBU? No... he is wearing a... Sound mark?" Orochimaru became angry. "You aren't one of my ninjas!" with another hand sign, the needles dropped out and his head returned to normal function.

"No? Your ninjas? Why would a simple Mist genin have his own ninjas?" Haku said, in a light, whimsical tone.

"Rargh!" Orochimaru roared, and attempted to attack Haku, but quickly realized his mistake.

Dropping Naruto outside of the circle of ice mirrors, Haku disappeared into a mirror. "You have fallen into my trap. There is no escape."

"I thought this bloodline had died out! This is even better than that brat, Sasuke. I will make you mine!" Orochimaru screamed, and lunged at a mirror, only to fall back, covered in puncture wounds and needles.

"You won't make anyone anything. You can't get out of this circle."

Orochimaru roared again, but then calmed. "I can't get out... but I can go around. See you when I come to take you!" He slipped under the ground, smirking and leaving behind the skin of the unfortunate Mist ninja.

Haku remained in the mirror passively for a few seconds, before letting them melt and falling next to the recovered Naruto. Naruto looked nervously at Haku, not knowing what the crossdresser was going to do, before Haku quickly removed his mask and came in close, embracing Naruto and planting a kiss on his lips. Returning his mask, Haku backed up a few steps.

Naruto was too dazed to respond as Haku fled back into a mirror, the mirror dropping after his fleeting form completely removed itself from the scene. It shattered into three even pieces.

"Sasuke... I'm confused." Naruto stumbled in a circle.

"Ha." Sasuke took a sage pose. "You just got kissed by a man, Naruto."

"But... he didn't have the Adam's apple this time." Naruto tried to make an excuse.

"You are so pathetic..."

-

"How was it?" Ranma asked, cautiously.

"Oh, nothing much. Some very powerful ninja got stuck in my most powerful trap, but managed to escape before I could kill him." Haku replied absentmindedly.

"I meant about what I did before... how are you taking it?" Ranma asked, fearing the worst.

"I guess... I've calmed down. It's as good as I thought. I kissed that Naruto-chan..." Haku took of his mask, revealing his girlish face, and adopted a dreamy look.

"I guess, after what I did, I can't object..." Ranma looked somewhat disgusted, but less tense.

-

"I can't believe it took them the full ten days to finish!" Ranma was ranting.

"Don't worry so much. The third exam has to be soon." Gaara comforted him.

"Finally, I can see Naruto-chan again!" Haku cheered, removing his mask. "I even prepared ahead of time." Haku stood in front of Ranma. Mechanically, Ranma whacked him on the side of the head. "Too much information!" He declared. "Bad enough I have to stay in my girl form for this disguise..."

/If I surprised any of you that Ranma still has his girl form, you should be ashamed. Even if the curse is cured, he still has Henge no Jutsu. But you'll see, if you haven't figured it out yet./

"Hmm. The examiner for the third exam is motioning for us to come down there and listen." Gaara said, emotionless. "Let's go."

-

"Huh. Not even a match worth watching." Ranma turned his head childishly.

"But it's between the leading genin of his year in Konoha and another, older favorite! It has to be exciting!" Haku complained at Ranma's attitude.

"They are both too weak to care about! I want to see that Lee guy in action – he has more ki than any of these other Genins except us." Ranma continued to ignore Sasuke's struggle against his advantaged opponent, until his eyes opened wide at what he was sensing.

"What's that?" Ranma quickly asked the girl standing next to him, a teammate of Sasuke's, if he recalled correctly.

The pink haired girl answered dreamily, "That's his Sharingan! Isn't he great?"

-

Ranma didn't even bother paying attention to the next fight, except to note that the bug-ninja was pretty creepy as well as sneaky enough to warrant special care, should he have to fight him. Ranma was too busy working on his technique to bother with any more than that.

-

Ranma looked up from his hands. "What's that, Haku?"

"I said, I'm going to fight now!" Haku said, excitedly, "Wish me luck!"

"I needn't bother," Ranma said, with a strange gleam in his eyes, "I already know you'll win."

-

"I will finish this match quickly. When I get a hold on you, you'd better surrender." The opponent of Haku said, overconfidently.

"I will finish quickly too, then." Haku said, equally arrogant.

"Begin the third match!" The examiner said, softly, coughing once afterwards.

They traded a few blows, and after the first exchange, Haku was left blocking a particularly useless arm strike. "You're slow," Haku remarked, offhand.

"Heh." The enemy did not say anymore as he suddenly grew loose and entangled Haku with his limbs, taking Haku by surprise.

"I can detach my limbs, and control them with my chakra. Give up, or I will strangle you to death, or simply break your neck."

"Fair enough," Haku said, slowly, "But would you take such a close grip on... a girl?" His mask popped off, revealing his girlish face once more.

The other ninja flinched for just enough for Haku to slip out of his grasp. He quickly summoned his ice mirrors and disappeared into a mirror.

"What is this?"

"You are now the one who is caught. Surrender, or I will only strangle you to death, or perhaps break your neck." Haku answered, mockingly.

The ninja tried to run for the edge of the mirrored circle, but was stopped short by a barrage of needles.

"Just kidding," Haku said, "You'll die from the poison, instead." Tossing one last needle, she broke his forehead protector in two, revealing, as he died, the symbol of sound beneath the Konoha symbol on his forehead.

"Huh. Looks like you have a spy problem, Hokage-san." Haku said in the Third's direction as she left the field.

-

"Another pathetic match, Eh, Ranma?" Gaara said, watching the two slow, weak girls duke it out.

"Shush, honey. Mommy is working now." Ranma said, half crazed.

"Whatever." Gaara went back to watching the fight, hoping that, at least, one of them would lose their top somehow.

-

"Ranma!" Gaara said, urgently.

"What is it now?" Ranma said, turning to Gaara with a mad look on his face, more insane than angry.

"Ranma, your match is going to start without you!" Haku said, smiling for once visibly, having left his mask on the battleground.

"You know," Gaara remarked as Ranma jumped straight to the ground floor from the elevated watching balcony, directing his comment to Haku, "You don't even look different, to the naked eye."

-

The examiner coughed again, then smiled. "Decided to join us, Ranko? Your fight is with Tenten. Begin."

Tenten immediately jumped back a few feet. 'A long ranged attacker, huh. This could actually be a workout.' Ranma thought. His eyes glowed with a strange energy as he contemplated his options, waiting for his opponent to make a move. When he realized she wanted the reactionary move as well, he went into action.

"Sharingan!" He yelled, causing Gai, the Examiner, the Hokage, and all of the Konoha ninja to take a second look at his eyes, which had changed into a spiral, fractal sort of shape.

Tenten paled. 'He has the Sharingan? How?'

"You won't win so easy! Ha!" Tenten yelled, more to boost her failing confidence than to psyche her enemy out. Gaara of the Desert had seemed strong, but his teammate had the Sharingan? It was impossible. She pulled a scroll out of thin air, and unrolled it, summoning a league of shuriken, kunai, and other bladed and pointed weapons to throw.

Ranma merely dodged them all, soundlessly, counting the letters on the scroll and already thinking in his mind how to reproduce the attack.

Tenten tried again, and this time, Ranma copied her leap, going so far as to unbalance her with a few ranged attacks of his own, thrown with exactly the precision Tenten displayed.

"Two scrolls!" Tenten yelled, losing her cool and throwing twice as many weapons as before. Ranma, however, did not try to counter or dodge. Instead, he yelled out his own attack.

"Water Element: Rain and Wind!" A sudden storm broke within the walls of the tower, soaking the combatants in cold water and blowing the weaponry off course, not to mention destroying both the scrolls.

Tenten stood up once more. "You haven't won yet." She said, snarling at her useless scrolls, but hiding the fact that she had more hidden.

"That's because the examiner hasn't called it yet." Ranma said, cockily. "You should surrender before I show you just how much I outclass you. You're ten years before having a chance at beating me!"

Tenten could not decipher the statement. 'He's only one year older, isn't he?'

Neji watched impassively with his Byakugan. "That energy matches the Sharingan exactly..." He said, talking to Lee beside him, "But this Ranma person has focused it... less than Sasuke... Oh no!" He said, raising his voice to a shout, "Tenten, look out!"

Ranma and Tenten both turned to look at Neji. Neji continued, "He's reached Sasuke's level with the Sharingan, but his Taijutsu level must be near Lee's! Think what he can do!"

Tenten turned back to Ranma, eyes once more wide open. 'He could copy all my secrets, like Sasuke did to Lee, and then use them with Lee's force? I should surrender just to avoid giving away all my techniques!'

Ranma smirked. "I am a quick learner. But you have lost, anyway. Take a look around you." Ranma gestured to the soaking wet floor. "I have changed the environment to my favor. You can't win."

"Why not?" Tenten said, getting ahead of herself – she had been about to surrender anyay.

"Water Clone Jutsu!" Ranma said, raising from the puddles around Tenten a score of copies of himself, some slightly distorted, with black hair instead of red and looking slightly bigger.

Tenten's biggest scare came when a water clone walked out of her soaking wet clothes, leaving her dry yet still shivering.

"I... I surrender." Tenten said, looking down.

"Match goes to Tendo Ranko, by surrender." The examiner moved on to the next match.

-

Ranma barely cared as the second sound ninja of the day was soundly defeated. He did laugh at his own pun, though.

-

"My Naruto-chan is fighting now!" Haku said, cheering him on.

"You know, I don't think he likes you as much as you like him..." Gaara said uncertainly.

"Shut up!" Haku said, turning quickly to face Gaara with eyes turning red.

-

"I... don't think I can see you anymore, Naruto-chan." Haku said, across the arena.

"I... don't think he can hear you, you know." Gaara said, still standing over Ranma's sleeping form, passed out from boredom during Naruto's match.

"But his victory... it was so stupid!" Haku began crying. Gaara attempted to console him, accidentally stepping on Ranma's face while doing so.

-

"So, that's an interesting eye technique," Gaara said, trying to get Ranma to at least evaluate his foes properly.

"Bah. Not as good as Sharingan." Ranma said.

"You... can only do one?" Gaara asked, confused.

"Sadly, yes." Ranma said, not even noticing the horrified look on Gaara's face.

-

"My turn." Gaara said, before jumping down to the arena level, not needing his sand to cushion his fall like he had when he was younger.

"Well? Come down already."

Ignoring the antics of the fat ninja, Gaara continued to look at Rock Lee as he took some last minute advice from his trainer. Finally jumping down, Lee addressed Gaara. "I am happy to be fighting you so early."

"Early?" Gaara said, wondering if his opponent was engaging in pre-match mind games.

"We will not fight last!" Lee said, clenching his fist in the air before his face.

Sighing, Gaara got into a slight ready position.

-

"That guy looks like he might have some good moves." Haku said, having moved to the other side of the balcony to talk with Naruto, "But nobody can beat Gaara."

"No," Naruto said, "Lee is incredible."

Haku just returned his mask to his face and watched the fight begin.

-

"Let the ninth match... **cough** ... begin..." The examiner said, haltingly.

Lee immediately ran at Gaara, and, instead of the expected sand attack or defense, Gaara simply parried the jumping kick with his hands, letting Lee fall to ground in front of him.

Lee had to jump up again fast, however, because a wave of sand came crashing down on his previous position out of nowhere. "He's got taijutsu skill as well?" Lee asked himself, thinking of Neji.

Lee came at Gaara faster, and this time, Gaara let his sand do the talking. When he stood still for a second to pound on the sand with only his fists instead of his feet, Gaara sprang from behind the granular curtain and hit Lee with a glancing blow to the face, knocking him slightly out of his senses, forcing him to once again dart back.

-

"What's going on?" Naruto asked Haku, turning away from the fight for a second.

"Physical attacks have a hard time affecting Gaara. His sand is an ultimate defense." Haku said, matter-of-fact-ly, "No one but Ranm.. Ranko... has _ever_ even hurt Gaara. And even then, he barely got a bruise."

"Lee-san can match Ranko easily!" Naruto tried to explain.

"No. Ranko had to use a hidden technique of hers to even get close. Lee-chan has no chance." haku said solemnly.

"What's with all the cutesy nicknames?" Naruto asked, embarrassed.

-

After a feint with his sand, Gaara had caught Lee's foot in a grab with his actual hand and sent him flying halfway across the arena floor. Lee quickly got up, in time to dodge another claw of sand and a sweeping kick that would have left him easy prey for the desert wave that followed it. He jumped into the air, twirling, until he reached the top of the giant stone statue at one end of the fighting area.

"Lee!" Gai called out, taking both fighters' attentions for the moment. "You can take them off!"

Lee looked conflicted for a moment, before reaching to his legs and removing two bulky packs from beneath his orange leg-warmers. "OK!" He shouted, before dropping them, to fall to the ground in an explosive sound and a cloud of dust.

"Weights?" Gaara said, shaking his head. "It's too bad he didn't think ahead. This match could have been fun."

Gai looked around the arena, hoping to see Lee emerge in a blinding array of attacks, but it was not to be.

The dust cleared to reveal Lee still on top of the statue and scared for his life.

"H-how?" Naruto said, amazed.

Haku answered slowly. "Sand is nothing more than pulverized rock. That cloud of dust included newly made sand for Gaara to use against Lee. He should have run before his leg-weights landed."

"Examiner!" Gaara said, not even looking at the bound form of Lee. "Call this match in my favor or I will break both his legs and arms. I do not wish to be cruel after I have won."

Lee looked at Gaara with a slight amount of fear only.

"I am sorry, Lee-san." Gaara said, turning back to Lee with sad eyes. "If you had fought someone else, you might have won. You deserve a chance in the finals, but you, the fifth best, were matched with the second best. You stood no chance, despite being among the top. Try again, Lee: Next year."

Gaara turned, jumping back to his place beside Ranma and only releasing Lee when the examiner finally snapped out of it and called him the winner.

-

"That last match sucked!" Ranma said, once more bored out of his skull.

"That's because you think all matches without one of us in them suck." Gaara answered.

"We have a whole month until the real exams? Boor-ing!" Haku said. "I know! Let's thank Kasumi! Then we can see Naruto! Maybe he'll let us train with him!"

Ranma couldn't help but be caught in the contagious enthusiasm.

-

AN: The third exam preliminary! Over! Ho ho ho ho ho!


	7. Interlude 2: Stupid

Results

Interlude Two:

Life is like a box of Rat Poison

"Speech"

'Thoughts'

"'X-ray Vision'"

-

"Teary?"

Shampoo didn't bother to respond, merely remaining over the plain gravestone, crying.

"Teary?" Cologne repeated, solemnly.

Shampoo clutched her pained chest and fell to her knees. "Here lies... Mousse..." She cried out, and fell to the ground.

-

The black cloaked figure walked closer, chuckling as she observed the bound figure. "Now now, Money, we won't hurt you any more if you'll just talk."

Nabiki struggled against the ropes. "This isn't a game anymore, Cologne! Let me go, or I'll... I don't know what I can do! I'll find some way to get back at you for all this!" She burst into tears.

"We have ways to make you talk." Cologne said, and made a hand sign quite similar to the international 1-fingered salute. In a puff of smoke, Nabiki felt herself shrink and her clothing shift.

"What have you done to me?" Nabiki said, wondering at her reversion to the tender age of... fourteen.

"Begone, foul one!" Cologne said, looking at her hands in disgust. "I lack the power to dispose of you permanently, but this will have to do." Nabiki heard a _fwoosh, _quite like the flushing of a toilet, and faded out of existence.

Cologne merely contemplated Furinkan High, visible from the window where she sat.

-

Kuno was enjoying himself very much. "I have forever chased away the Demon Saotome! Worship me, my grateful school!" His rant continued until a silhouette on a pogo stick appeared behind him, silencing him.

The class was alternating between terrified and relieved.

-

Cologne looked over the two matching headstones, both bearing the name "Mousse."

"Now it matches!" She said, cheerfully, and walked back into the torture room, forgetting, for the moment, that her prey was already released.

Shampoo weakly dug her way out of the ground, and glared angrily at the headstone, all she could do in her injured and unhealthy state. "She didn't bother to carve my own name into the stone..."

-

AN: This is stupid. I'm leaving.


	8. Introducing an iniandklas

Results

Chapter 5

We Were Once Brothers

AN: I have attempted to start this chapter eight times. My computer hates me. Thank you, open office, for providing a free alternative to Microsoft's crashes. I now no longer have to pay money to have my word processor crash.

This chapter is dedicated to the random pained screaming I hear every night, and to the wish that it'd leave my head and go somewhere else.

-

"What do you mean my eternal rival is already gone, along with his student?" Gai asked, giving a "nice guy" pose. "I, the magnificent Maito Gai, must speak with him!"

"He's gone to an undisclosed location for secret training." The clerk at the desk spoke with a jolly voice that can only be achieved when giving others pain.

"But I didn't get to tell Sasuke about the Sharingan!" Gai complained, drooping.

"I'm sure he already knows that technique." The clerk answered, confused.

-

"So, that was a nice use of Transformation jutsu. You really freaked them all out!" Haku remarked, giggling, as they left the city proper to search for a proper, out of the way training area.

"Not quite. I actually managed to copy that technique." Ranma said, seriously, while thinking to himself.

"You copied a bloodline?" Gaara said skeptically, "How?"

"I don't know. It was as if some energy within me felt the Sharingan and knew it could become... complete, somehow, if it were to manifest itself in that way." Ranma said, thinking it over, trying to find a better way to express the feeling he had.

"That's..." Haku began, before realizing something. "Oh no!"

Gaara figured it out at the same time. "That doesn't mean..."

"Oh yes." Ranma said, evilly, "It's time for some training. I need to learn this technique, you know!"

Gaara and Haku both groaned. Ranma's training sessions always included something stupid and painful – like being hit with giant boulders (Gaara managed to avoid this training with his sand shield) and sticking your hands in a fire (Haku managed to avoid this training with his ice mirrors).

The only consolation that the two had is that Ranma tended to be nicer in his girl form...

-

"So. You have a new technique to teach me?" Sasuke asked, staring not at his mentor but instead at the three Sound ninja training lightly below the high cliffs he and Kakashi occupied.

"Yes. You have to match Gaara. He's already beaten Rock Lee, so you need an edge. His main power is in his sand, so I need to teach you a method to defeat it." Kakashi answered, staring not at his student but instead at his newest novel, Make-Out Violence. "There's no time to teach it to you regularly – activate your Sharingan and copy my technique."

"Sharingan!" Sasuke had turned around, and missed the similar shout that echoed from far below.

-

"Huh. I can already tell that even with this, I can't copy a bloodline. Oh, well." Ranma said this as he dodged needles at high speeds while staying well away from the crashing wave of sand bearing down upon him. "But..." He dashed in, just in time to grab Haku as the younger boy flew out of a mirror. "I can see things that even I shouldn't be able to. It's a nice technique."

"Are... we... done... yet...?" Gaara was out of breath. Even attempting to attack someone like Ranma took a lot of chakra.

"No!" Ranma said, gleefully, "We need to discuss something..."

-

AN: It is at this point I resume writing, after a week of literally not having enough time to write a word. Expect some strangeness as I forget exactly what I was doing in the words above.

-

Gaara rested on top of the hotel he and his partners occupied. Instead of sleeping, he usually meditated, in an attempt to keep the evil Shikoku from taking over his body. But this badly hidden ninja was getting on his nerves.

"Come out. I know you're there."

The only Sound ninja to pass the third exam preliminary stalked out from behind another chimney. "I know you three aren't really Sound ninja. I should kill you right here. Or maybe... I should just tell the examiner and have you all disqualified!"

"It's a pity..." Gaara said, slowly, considering his words, "It's a pity you won't be telling anyone anything." As he spoke, the claws of sand grabbed hold of the ninjas arms, and the Sound Genin was just a second too slow to scream.

-

Haku stared at Naruto over a bowl of Ramen. "How's your training going? My team leader is pushing us hard."

"Ah, it's not going well at all!" Naruto responded with frustration, "Kakashi-sensei won't teach me a thing, and the replacement he found was beat up by these two perverts!"

"That's strange. Why don't you get them to teach you, if they were strong enough to beat up your trainer?" Haku asked.

"Good idea!" With that, Naruto sped off into the night, heading for the nearest bath house.

-

"Another Tendo arrived in the village today? Yes, she's my relative. Please send her here in the morning. She might be a little confused, actually – she's not a ninja. Yes. Yes. Just give her directions, then!" Ranma shouted into the phone, sitting on the couch in the small hotel room, trying to ignore the sound of Gaara torturing someone above his head. With a sigh, she slammed the phone down. "My 'mysterious past' is really coming back to bite me. Well, I have to help her out – Kasumi's on a mission."

Ranma stalked over to the window. "Keep it down, will ya! I'm trying to sleep!"

Gaara and the sound ninja both turned to Ranma confoundedly. Gaara loosened his grip on the other ninja's neck.

"But we were..." Gaara began to explain, but was cut off.

"Shut up! I – Am- Trying – To – Sleep! Understand?" Ranma glared a death glare, almost slaying the offending noisemakers instantly.

Gaara weakly nodded, while the Sound ninja just mumbled "Yes, m'am."

-

Time passes slowly

Time passes fast

Time is going quicker when you're coming in last

Try to remember

Try to forget

Time hasn't quite left the building yet.

-

"Ladies and gentlemen! The event you've all been waiting for! The third exam!" The announcer was really yelling his head off, Ranma thought. Trying to take his mind off of it, he looked at the other seven ninja waiting to take part in the tournament.

'Heh. It looks like it's just Konoha ninja and Sound ninja left... except that most of the Sound ninja aren't really from the Sound... Huh, it's a different examiner this time. What happened to the other guy?'

The announcer motioned for the ninja trainees to move to the low balcony to await their matches. "Alright, since Uchiha Sasuke doesn't appear to be making it on time, we'll go to the first match right away. Take your places!"

Ranma stood opposite the Sound ninja, who was glaring angrily. 'The poor guy,' Ranma thought, 'He hasn't yet fully recovered from Gaara strangling him. Pity. I might have gotten an entertaining fight out of him.'

"It's the kind of fight that makes one's blood boil! The fight between comrades!" The announcer prattled on, and Ranma had to suppress a laugh.

"Begin!"

"I'm prepared... This time..." The other ninja rasped, and Ranma merely responded by activating his Sharingan.

"I'll..." Both ninja shouted at the same time. "You can't trick me!" Ranma kept exactly in time. "Argh!"

"Resonance!" The Sound ninja shouted, activating his deadly tone, while at the same time Ranma shouted "Counter Resonance!"

The Sound ninja smirked, until he realized his foe was unaffected.

"You..." The Sound ninja began, Ranma deciding only to mouth his words instead of saying them aloud, "You used my technique with an opposite tone to cancel out the waves! You bitch!"

Without any useful techniques, Ranma's opponent merely stood there fuming until Ranma suddenly disappeared.

"An illusion?" The ninja smiled as he saw slight footprints in front of him. 'Invisible, but not too smart. I can still see where her feet are!' He swiped a gauntleted hand as soon as the footprints stepped within range, but his fist passed through air.

"You didn't think it would be so easy, did you?" Ranma's voice echoed from all directions. The footprints continued stepping right through his body. "I'm not so weak as that."

Ranma shimmered into view behind the ninja like a mirage at the distance. "You lose."

The examiner was barely able to arrive before Ranma permanently disabled her enemy, declaring it a victory on Ranma's part.

-

Ranma, instead of going to the low balcony, stalked up the stairs to a higher level, sitting down in an empty seat. "I wish you'd let me bet on myself."

Nabiki chuckled. "I'm not so weak as that..." Nabiki grinned. "Nice job, though. It's great to see that, even in this new world, nothing's really changed."

Ranma didn't respond, merely holding up a small mirror, reflecting not his own image but that of his brother, Haku...

-

AN: I need to go to sleep. Let this crappy entry pass, ne? I'll work on it next week, peoples. I know I didn't reference nabiki at all until that sentence, figure it out.


	9. Chapter 9: Actually chapter 6

Results

Chapter 6? I think? Tell me if I got the number wrong, it's been a while.

This story is dedicated to that feeling you get when you realize you forgot about something or someone relatively important. Like, "OH SHIT! I was supposed to _do that?_" It is also dedicated to "The Lazy Uchiha," which inspired me to write more. Go read it! It has many chapters and continues to update, unlike me!

This story is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, out of spite.

(Scene Change)

Ranma finished climbing down the stairs back to the waiting area for the matches. "How did you like that match, eh? I didn't expect something so good from Orange-Jacket, at least until I sensed his chakra before the fight. He sure got a boost out of nowhere!"

"I know, isn't he amazing?" Haku asked, rhetorically, "I think, after that victory, I can start liking him again! His awesomeness in the present cancels out past pathetic-ness."

Gaara just put his head into his hands. "Stop fantasizing about other guys and get ready! Your match begins in less than a minute."

Haku's mask obscured her face as she appeared in her place an instant before the examiner began to yell at her for being late, an obscured shade phasing into existence unexpectedly on the slightly burnt grass of the battling area.

"There you are! Your entire team seems to think being fashionably late is in style..." the announcer whispered, before turning back to the crowd, "And now, the first village against village battle! The startling and anyone's-game match between the intelligence and technique of Nara Shikamaru of Konoha and the stunningly fast and mysterious Tendo Haku from the village of sound! The fight for the honor of their villages! Everything is at stake here, folks!"

Haku stared at the announcer from behind her mask, not moving her mask to avoid letting her foe know she wasn't paying attention. '_What an overly dramatic man.' _she thought.

"This determining match, the fate of their villages at stake, begins now!" the announcer shouted, and Shikamaru immediately jumped backwards into the shade.

"I know from your previous match that shadow is in your command," Haku began, "but I am not required to go into the shadows. You should give up before my needles hurt you too badly."

"Tch. What a bother! I have to fight you, though. A man never can surrender to a girl once the fight has begun." Shikamaru inwardly sighed and rubbed his neck from where Naruto's push had sent him crashing to the ground. '_I wouldn't have to fight if it weren't for that moron.'_

"Very well then." Haku readied her needles for throwing before jumping back, suddenly, as Shikamaru's shadow almost caught her.

"Hmm. You saw my trap." Shikamaru grinned, but then sighed, looking at the mask on his opponent's face. '_But you never looked at my trap once. How are you seeing what's on the ground without moving your mask, which must obscure your vision at least partially?'_

Haku began to throw her needles again, marking a spot in the ground where the shadow failed to reach. "This is a safe spot, so I'll begin to defeat you." Haku threw a swarm of needles, buzzing as insects hurtling through the air at Shikamaru, who dodged behind a tree and into hiding, where he remained for minutes as Haku gazed impassively at the shadowed area of the stadium.

"Coming out today?" Haku sent mockingly into the darkness, before gasping and jumping back just in time to avoid the shadow that whisked past her marked line.

"Ha, almost had you." Shikamaru said with an equal amount of mock from his place in the dark. "The shadow of the wall grows larger with each passing moment! In a short while, no place will be safe!"

"But for now, I can rest here." Haku said confidently.

Unseen, Shikamaru grinned. Haku once again jumped back and to the side, landing in between craters left from Naruto's match. Shikamaru's jacket, weighted down by a kunai, floated slowly to the ground, its shadow extending Shikamaru's reach by a good three meters. A second later, four smoke bombs dropped, obscuring Haku's vision completely.

Shikamaru walked into the open, jacketless and looking bored. He began to make the hand signs for his Shadow Copy jutsu when three needles rocketed out of the smoke to hit him in the arms. With wide eyes, he yelled. "How could you pinpoint me with that smoke around you?"

Haku stepped from the smoke, mask hiding a victorious grin. "I have other means of vision."

Then, Shikamaru grinned. "But you still don't see, do you? What a bother." Shikamaru disappeared in a puff of smoke, replaced by a log. Haku gasped, but did not turn.

"I've got you now. I knew you could see me the whole time, so I didn't plan on obscuring your vision. I just had to get you off your guard by making you think you'd won." Shikamaru walked slowly from the shadows of the trees, causing Haku to also walk forward. "I think I know your trick, too." He mimed pulling off a mask from his face, causing Haku to pull her own mask off. Shikamaru 'tossed' the mask to the center of the field, inside-up.

Lining the inside of Haku's mask were mirrors, mirrors that reflected not the afternoon sky but various images of the field.

"Mirrors. That's a new one." Shikamaru said, then looked back at Haku. "This match is over."

Shikamaru raised his hands. "And now, my final act in this match." He turned to the announcer. "I surrender."

The crowd gasped this time. Shikamaru went on to explain. "I'm all out of chakra. My foe's skills at evasion are too much for me. I can't win." As if on cue, the Shadow Bind Jutsu ended, and Shikamaru sat down.

Haku sighed, disappointed. She'd been beaten, but her opponent let her win! 'Wait a sec,' she thought, 'At least he's kind of cute.'

"Gaara," Ranma said, cautiously, "You're up next. Remember what I told you – what we saw of his training."

"Stop being so serious," Gaara said with a smirk, "He hasn't even shown up yet."

Before Ranma could tenderly reply with brutal force, Gaara was gone, taking a wave of sand down to the stairs he was supposed to take.

"How could you just give up like that?" Naruto whiningly asked, looking at Shikamaru with disgusted eyes.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru replied, looking boredly upwards and catching a glint of metal on the floor above. "What's that?" He asked, just in time to hear two sudden thunks.

Gaara, sound ninja and powerhouse was finishing off two Mist jounin in the hallway.

"What the !" Shikamaru yelled. Gaara calmly took the stairs down and looked at him.

"They asked me to throw the match. I don't throw matches, unlike you. They tried to persuade me, so I took care of them." Gaara responded.

"Took care of them?" Shikamaru gulped at the proximity of Gaara's expressionless face. Naruto just looked questioningly at the pair, not having seen Gaara fight anyone but Rock Lee before.

Gaara looked the other way, fixing his gaze on Naruto. "Oh, it's you. Nice job taking out that so-called genius ninja. I also use the ground to ambush, sometimes." Gaara moved his face closer, more strongly violating Naruto's personal space. "We are alike, you and I. We'll have to fight, sometime, if you don't make it to the final match of this tournament like I will." Gaara then moved towards the fighting area, whistling a happy tune that promised blue skies and red patches on the ground.

Naruto stood still for a moment longer, disturbed, before moving up the stairs to look at the Mist Jounin, who both had "Loser" permanently scarred into their forehead like a sick, painful tattoo. "I have to warn Sasuke," Naruto said to himself, "This guy is some sort of pranking monster!"

DISCLAIMER: Everything after this point is stupid. I mean it. WARNING: This isn't a guarantee that everything before this point _isn't _stupid.

OMAKE

Shikamaru raised his hands. "And now, my final act in this match." He then continued: "Dance!"

With that, he forced Haku to do the Time Warp, again and again, until she finally snapped and surrendered.

OMAKE 2

Garra moved his face closer, more strongly violating Naruto's personal space. "We are alike you and I. We'll have to get to know each other better." Gaara then kissed Naruto on the lips and continued down to the fighting area, completing the trio of missing-nin Ranma had created as a total yaoi-fest.

OMAKE 3

Shikamaru walked into the open, jacketless and looking bored. He began to make the hand signs for his Shadow Copy jutsu when three needles rocketed out of the smoke to hit him in the arms. With wide eyes, he yelled. "How could you pinpoint me with that smoke around you?"

Haku stepped from the smoke, mask hiding a victorious grin. "I have other means of vision."

Shikamaru tumbled to the ground, ceasing respiration. Haku looked on, worried. "You mean that wasn't a trap? Oh shit! He's fucking dead!"

The announcer called Haku's victory, while Haku mourned the fact that, in order to comment on Shikamaru's looks, she'd have to become a necrophile.


	10. Interlude 75: Cologne In Space

Results: Interlude Seven and A Half

Cologne In Space

This interlude is dedicated to stupidity and its consequences. This interlude is also dedicated to my mother, who is forcing me to write this at gunpoint. Yeah, mom, this is for you and your bullets.

This interlude is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, out of spite.

This may or may not be the VERY LAST INTERLUDE. You heard me. Enjoy it. After this, the pattern of 2 chapters, 1 interlude will be over.

(Scene Change)

"Zombie girl." Cologne said, head tilted to the side.

Shampoo remained on the ground, weeping.

"Zombie girl." Cologne repeated, head tilted the other way.

Shampoo moaned, dreading what was to come.

(Scene Change)

Cologne held a clipboard before her. "So, you wish to be teleported where I sent the others in a fit of insanity?"

"Yes, matriarch." Tsubasa said, honestly. "Without Ranma, Ukyo is depressed. I must get him back!"

Cologne nodded, understanding. With a swipe of her staff, she beheaded the cross-dresser. "You shall join your comrades in death." Cologne said, solemnly.

Shampoo was horrified. "You mean you killed all of them?" Shampoo asked, cautiously.

"What? Huh?" Cologne answered, before turning back to Tsubasa. "Oh well. He died before I could teleport him. Pity, that."

(Scene Change)

"Tom Walker." Cologne said, pointing her staff at Konatsu.

Konatsu attempted to use his "Kunoichi Skillz" to escape.

"Tom," Cologne said, holding Konsatsu around his neck, "You're come for." With a puff of fire and brimstone, Konatsu was gone, leaving only a giant blood stain on the floor.

(AN: Grats to anyone who understands this. I didn't, and I've _read _The Devil and Tom Walker.)

Ukyo rushed outside her Okonomiyaki shop to see Konatsu disappear. "You... You bitch! Where are you sending my friends! Where has everyone gone?" Ukyo knew the futility of drawing her weapon.

Cologne shook her head sadly. "The love train has only one more stop, and it isn't yours." With a puff of smoke, Cologne did not actually go anywhere. After a second or two, she blinked, looked both ways, and then bounced off on her staff in the direction of the Tendo Dojo. Shampoo was left behind, shaking from fear, while Ukyo could only watch at the speed Cologne departed.

(Scene Change)

Akane was terrified. More terrified than she had ever been before. Cologne, the destroyer of her family and defeater of Happosai and even of Ranma stood before her father, making small talk over tea.

Honestly, she was actually acting pretty normal. That is, until she saw Akane.

"It's you!" Cologne yelled, throwing a net over Akane and trapping her in place. "Finally, my quest nears completion."

"What do you want with me?" Akane asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

"Age, dear. Age is what I want from you." Cologne shuddered as she lifted her hand and reverted Akane to the age of 10. Cologne herself reverted to the tender young age of 304 (previously, she was 310). "And now, begone!" Cologne stuck her tongue out, wiggled her ears, and tapped her foot.

Predictably, nothing happened. Cologne bit her tongue, and waved her hands, producing a light beige smoke. She then reared back and went forth into a mighty headbutt, smacking Akane so hard that her sisters felt it.

Kasumi suddenly felt a painful knock on her forehead. "This enemy shinobi is more dangerous than expected. I must use the pressure point techniques that Dr. Tofu gave me to complete this mission."

Nabiki groaned as another wave of pain crossed her headache. "Note to self: No more victory liquor."

Akane was perplexed. Why did she now know advanced level calculus? And why did she have a complex understanding of the history of some place called the Fire Country?

Cologne looked at Akane once more. "You are resilient, my foe. But you will not last." Cologned tapped Akane lightly on the forehead with her staff, smearing a little of Tsubasa's blood on the age-reduced Tendo. With an ear-rending _screech, _Akane was gone. "That's not what I meant to do. Oh, well." Cologne then hopped into the air, landing on the forgotten Soun Tendo, weeping in the corner, before launching herself into the sky.

As Cologne hurtled through the air, she made a series of complex hand signs. With a puff of smoke, her and her staff disappeared into the Aether shortly before her upwards momentum ceased in the upper atmosphere.

(Scene Change)

Cologne popped into existence millions of miles from Earth, in orbit of the sun. Staring into its burning depths, she tried to sigh, though the lack of air prevented her. '_Its beautiful,' _she thought, '_now if only I wasn't about to die.'_

She stayed there a long time, watching the endless burning of the celestial figure.

(Scene Change)

Ukyo helped Shampoo to stand, holding her under the opposite arm as she supported her walk into the Okonomiyaki shop. Too emotionally drained to exert herself, she had to stop in the middle of the floor to kneel and catch her breath. She caught Shampoo in a comforting hug, tears of the amazon warrior rolling down her back to join Ukyo's own tears cascading behind Shampoo.

THE END (OF THE INTERLUDES)

I LOVE BIG BROTHER


	11. The Fight You Haven't Been Waiting For

Results

Chapter 7: Sand and Sharingan – Seeing Through the Sandstorm

This chapter is dedicated to C. H. Wolf, creator of EscapeMan.

This chapter is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, out of spite.

(scene change)

Gaara uncorked his massive jug of sand and walked slowly onto the field, crossing his arms and leveling a malignant gaze at the announcer. "So I am to wait until this Uchiha loser shows up before I am declared victor, instead of just getting an automatic win like the rules say I should?"

The announcer looked back at Gaara. "The Kazekage wants to see you fight the Uchiha kid. I'll give you a tip, though: I've seen the Uchiha fight, and it would do you well to take him seriously."

Gaara only looked more annoyed. "You haven't seen _me_ fight."

(scene change)

"So why are we waiting like this?" A masked figure said to the hooded and cloaked man next to him.

"Waiting until the last minute is dramatic." The hooded figure answered. "It also gives time for interesting things to happen."

The masked figure watched as Gaara began to make figures of himself beheading Sasuke in the sand.

"I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

(scene change)

"Finally," Gaara said, finishing his sand-play by having a wave of sand representing blood roll out of the neck of the Sand-Sasuke. "His time is almost up."

As the announcer finished his countdown of the last minute Sasuke had to arrive, Sasuke and his trainer, Kakashi, appeared in center stage in a puff of smoke.

"Ugh. Now I actually have to fight you. I would have preferred the same result without the wasted effort." Gaara said, mockingly.

"Don't be so sure." Sasuke said. "I'm stronger than I was one month ago."

Gaara just stared at the genin before him, letting no whisper of nervousness or fear grace his visage.

The announcer began to wave his hands rapidly. "The match that everyone wanted to see! The power of the Desert against the power of the Uchiha clan, Konoha's favorite rookie genin Uchiha Sasuke against a newcomer, the amazing Tendo Gaara, also know by his nickname Gaara of the Desert!"

Gaara looked at the announcer. "They know who's fighting. They've been _waiting. _Just start the match so I can beat this loser already."

The announcer shivered, then looked back at the crowd. "uh... Begin!"

Gaara moved his hands into the sign for his favorite technique: "Earth Element: The Desert Spreads!"

Sasuke barely had time to jump back before the ground under him turned into sand, along with all the rest of the dirt within 25 feet of Gaara. Gaara panted slightly at doing so much at once, then began to direct the sand at his enemy. Sasuke was forced back again, activating his Sharingan.

After that, he suddenly became a lot better at dodging. By watching Gaara's hands, he managed to know where the sand would go ahead of time, and wasn't hit at all.

Gaara smirked. Suddenly, Sasuke was hit in the back, out of nowhere. "H... How?" he asked as Gaara continued his onslaught, forcing Sasuke to dodge without even moving himself.

"I know how your bloodline works. You're watching my hands. But I don't need to move my hands to move the sand..."

Sasuke gasped, then grew a determined look. With sudden speed, he dashed past Gaara's sand and right to Gaara, almost managing to reach Gaara before his ever-present shield of sand blocked Sasuke's attack.

"So, you have a little more speed. Interesting." Sasuke charged again, attempting to overwhelm the shield, but when he finally got a foot through, Gaara merely blocked it with his own hand, grabbing the offending limb and tossing Sasuke to the ground, where he had t roll away quickly to avoid the sand that followed.

When Sasuke stood, he ran at Gaara again, this time managing to avoid the block and land one on Gaara's chest, which was unharmed due to Gaara's Sand Armor Technique. Sasuke jumped back in time to avoid the counter, but found his destination had turned into a pit instead of ground. Falling in, he left enough time for Gaara to regain the offensive, but Gaara had other plans. As Sasuke climbed out of the pit he created, slightly faster than the sand collapsed, Gaara created an impenetrable ball of sand around him, completely protecting him from attacks.

"Hah!" Sasuke exclaimed, not worried about the eyeball made of sand that escaped from the ultimate defense Gaara had constructed to look at him. "This is what I was waiting for!" He ran up the stadium wall, leaving footprints in the concrete. "Chidori!" he exclaimed, starting his own ultimate technique, the mere power of it ruining the wall as he sped down to push his cutting chakra into the ball of sand.

Sasuke managed to dodge the spikes of sand that attacked him as he reached the ball. He managed to hit the ball with his attack, breaking a hole in its side. He didn't manage to predict that the ball would collapse as he passed, leaving him running at top speed towards nothing with a heavily draining ball of chakra attached to his hand. '_Gaara wasn't in there? Where is he?'_

Sasuke managed to stop before he hit the far wall. Gaara was nowhere to be seen, but the sand eyeball was watching him. Sasuke ran to the eyeball, jumping to attack it so Gaara couldn't see where he was. As he neared it, Gaara made a mighty leap from the sandy ground, the sand around him rising as he did so to attack the Uchiha boy.

Suddenly, a hail of shuriken hit from the middle of the sky. Gaara, not quite expecting the attack, barely managed to defend himself. Sasuke was pinned to the ground.

Temari, Sand genin and secret agent, flew from the sky on her giant fan, holding a small bottle of an unidentified substance. Kankuro leapt from the crowd, his giant wrapped weapon on his back. Temari quickly forced the substance into Gaara's mouth before he could react as explosions began to grace the Konoha sky and city walls. Jumping through one of the walls, Temari left the stadium, while Kankuro jumped through a second later, covering her retreat.

"Fuck!" Ranma said, and watched as Sasuke got up and ran after them, Baki the Sand Jounin jumped into the center and attacked the announcer, and the entire stadium began somehow to fall asleep.

(scene change)

Ranma and Haku were stopped as they tried to pursue. "I, the mighty Maito Gai, will stop you sound ninjas and your attack!"

"We're not with the Sound." Ranma tried to explain, while dodging powerful Taijutsu attacks. "We're just missing ninja from the Sand!"

Gai doubled his attacks, attempting to bring in the criminals. "Damn it! We're just trying to rescue our brother!"

Gai stopped for a second. "Rescue! Noble deeds! I cannot stop the power of youth and their righteous actions!" He began to cry, allowing Ranma and Haku to sneak past, while they rubbed the fake Sound marks from their headbands.

Kakashi walked up to Gai while fighting off Sound and Sand attackers. "Did you just let those Sound ninja past you and after Sasuke?"

Gai looked after them for a minute. "Yes! How hip of you to notice!"

Kakashi just sighed. '_Now I have to send someone after them!'_

(scene change)

Ranma looked to Haku. "We're being chased by four Konoha genins... no, make that three genins and one dog. After them are eight sound chuunins and one sound jounin."

"I know that, dumbass." Haku laughed and sped ahead, leaving Ranma to deal with the Konoha ninjas and the Sound attackers.

"Ah, good. I prefer to do the fighting and leave the easy parts to others." Ranma was just thinking that simply beating up two genins and saving Gaara would be boring anyway, and Haku could handle most Jounins on his own...

Orange-Jacket, Big Forehead, Gives-up and their pet Spot. Ranma sighed. "I suppose since they are under attack I shouldn't be beating them up. Man, I hate having to convince people I'm the good guy."

Orange Jacket spoke first. "You! How could you attack Konoha like this?"

Gives-Up made a sad look. "Be careful. He's strong."

Ranma shook her head. "I'm not with the attackers. I'm just gonna stop you from interfering in our rescue."

Big Forehead looked at Ranma strangely. "Aren't you one of the Sound genins?"

"Uh..." Ranma stuttered. "It's a long story."

Gives-Up held a kunai in a defensive guard. "We're listening."

(scene change)

Haku caught up with Sasuke when he stopped to face the Sand ninja. She only caught the last part of the conversation. "Kankuro, run! I'll stop him so you can complete the plan!"

She decided to help Sasuke beat Temari. After all, it couldn't hurt to once more have a Sharingan-user at her side when she got Gaara back, could it?

(scene change)

"... and that's why we were at the Chuunin Exams." Ranma finished explaining. "Oops, looks like the sound ninjas who were following you are almost here."

"I noticed." the dog agreed. "We need to lay a trap so we can find Sasuke and figure out what the Sand ninja want with Gaara."

Gives-Up sighed. "I'll do it. I'm the only one who can lay a trap here. Naruto and Sakura don't know how to, and Ranko doesn't know the territory. How troublesome."

Ranma grinned to herself, while the others were worried for Gives-Up. She'd just detected a Konoha ninja trailing the Sound Jounin, and to her practiced sense she could tell that the Konoha Jounin was going to arrive in time to save Shikamaru.

(scene change)

Haku sighed. Sasuke had misunderstood her intentions and attacked her, allowing Temari to escape. Now they both trailed after, barely reaching Kankuro before he handed Gaara back to Temari.

"You'll never beat me in time to stop our plans!" Kankuro cried.

Sasuke turned to Haku quickly. "You're the faster. Catch up and save your brother." He turned to Kankuro. "You'll never beat me in time to catch Haku."

Kankuro gasped as Haku sped off past him before he could even react. "Damn it!" He turned to Sasuke once more. "I'll kill you!"

Sasuke grinned. He could see the Chakra Strings coming from the wrapped package. With a quick leap, he kicked the package, only to grunt in pain when it did not give. Kankuro grinned madly. With a twist of his fingers, the package exploded, revealing deadly clawed metal arms attached to his back and controlled by the strings.

"I am known as Kankuro, the Deadly Trap! I am the best puppeteer among the Sand genin! I use my chakra strings to trigger traps even as my murderous puppet relentlessly attacks!"

"Wow. You gave up your whole strategy in one go." Sasuke casually remarked.

(scene change)

"Just give Gaara this pill after he's taken the bottle and the Sand's trouble will be over..." She lifted his comatose form and inserted the pill between his teeth.

She heard a shout and turned around. Haku was almost there. She hoped the solution to the problems of the Sand would include saving her life.

Suddenly, she heard a noise behind her. Looking up, she screamed...

(scene change)

Omake:

"So why are we waiting like this?" A masked figure said to the hooded and cloaked man next to him.

"Waiting until the last minute is dramatic." The hooded figure answered. "It also gives time for interesting things to happen."

The masked figure watched as Gaara began to make figures of himself prison-style-raping Sasuke in the sand.

"I'm _absolutely_ sure this is _not_ a good idea."

Omake 2:

Orange-Jacket, Sexy, Gives-up and their pet Spot. Ranma sighed, then did a double-take. '_Wait a minute. Sexy?'_

"Who decides those stupid mental nicknames anyway?"

Omake 3:

Hah!" Sasuke exclaimed, not worried about the eyeball made of sand that escaped from the ultimate defense Gaara had constructed to look at him. "This is what I was waiting for!" He ran up the stadium wall, leaving footprints in the concrete. "Sexy-No-Justsu!" he exclaimed, starting his own ultimate technique...


	12. Chapter 8?

Results

Chapter 8: Gaara, Possessed?

This chapter is dedicated to the sound a saved document makes when it is deleted. Specifically, a saved document wiped out in a tragic computer reset that saved over it with a blank document. Specifically, this document, now being rewritten from scratch. Way later. I barely remember how it goes anymore...

This chapter is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, out of sheer tremendous momentum.

(scene change)

Sasuke jumped up from the branch on which he had been standing, narrowly avoiding a hail of shuriken that had sprung seemingly self-propelled from Kankuro's back, launched by chakra-strings. He had been looking for an opening for the whole two minutes, and finally his eyes paid off. Watching Kankuro's fingers allowed him to predict the action of the trap-master.

Re-orienting himself and springing off the side of the tree he was, at the time, rising into the air next to, Sasuke's jump took him straight on a path to Kankuro, on a side the strange ninja's traps could not protect.

Surprisingly, Kankuro grinned. A series of blades popped from his robe, right in Sasuke's path. "A hint, sharingan user – my traps can be triggered by other means than my hands." He licked his lips, revealing the chakra string protruding from the tip of his tongue.

Sasuke braced for impact – hoping that it wouldn't instead become a slicing.

(scene change)

Haku stared as the beast composed of sand reared into the air, taking slowly the hideous and malformed shape of a badger...

(scene change)

Shikamaru sighed with relief. His sensei had arrived in time, after all. Well, that's one less thing to worry about. He let his shadow-bind drop just as Asuma dropped from the tree with the body of a Sound jounin over his shoulder.

(scene change)

Time seemed to slow for Sasuke as his death stared him right in the eye. Kankuro showed no signs of dodging and had adjusted his blades for maximum damage. He closed his eyes, but then slammed into the ground where Kankuro had been standing.

"Sasuke!" Sakura screamed as she flipped off of Kankuro, having tackled him at the last second. "Are you all right?"

Sasuke stood, brushing his bruised face. "Yes. But Temari escaped with Gaara."

Naruto looked at Ranma, whose eyes hardened. "Let's get her."

Kankuro slowly stood, discarding his broken blades. "You're not finished with me yet!" He launched an attack at Sasuke, who dodged.

Sakura shouted a little too loud, hurting Ranma's ear slightly. "Sasuke and I will deal with him. You two can catch up to Temari and Gaara!"

Inner Sakura smiled. "Yes! Alone with Sasuke, our lives in each others' hands! He'll fall in love with me for sure! And Naruto can have that Ranko girl (who is not nearly as pretty as me)! It's perfect!"

Naruto sighed, then jumped to catch up with Ranma.

(scene change)

Ranma was the first upon the scene, and the first thing that caught her eye was the blood.

Even in her years as a rogue ninja, she had never learned to ignore the bright red of freshly spilled blood, bringing out something in her that still feared human mortality and still regretted having to take a life. And this was all over the small clearing.

The second thing she noticed was the sand. Gaara's sand. Gaara's sand, crushing the life out of Haku and Temari, who seemed to be attached by this desert trap to a nearby tree. Gasping, she jumped to a branch within arm's reach of the spectacle and tried to free Haku as Naruto arrived where she had been standing.

Naruto noticed Gaara, and tensed.

He stood on a branch on the far side of the clearing, slightly taller than he had been. His eyes had resumed the dark rings of his youth, seeming to indicate a lack of sleep. Although his eyes the day before had reflected amusement, joy, and life, now they only shined with death, sadness, and hate.

"I know what my life is now." Gaara's voice made Ranma pause in her attempts to liberate Haku from her sandy prison. "I know the lies you spun."

Ranma didn't know how to respond. "What?"

"I know now, who my enemies are. Shukaku has told me everything. Everything!"

The sand burst from his very limbs, swirling about the air before reforming on his arms and legs, transforming them into claws and sand-furred skin. His face dropped below the sand, turning into the malformed visage of Shukaku, the one-tailed demon raccoon of the Sand village.

Haku stirred. "He's... tranforming... again?"

Ranma shushed Haku with a frown. "I'll get you out of there, and get Gaara back." _If I can figure out how..._ Ranma thought grimly.

(scene change)

Kankuro fought Sasuke, taking his attention briefly off of the puppet fighting Sakura to deflect another jump kick. With a clang, Sakura finally finished off the puppet, and Kankuro cursed. He turned so that he could see both his foes, and smirked again. However, a buzzing noise on his back made him pause.

A swarm of small beetles covered him, and he fell to the ground. "I see I arrived in time to..."

Sasuke interrupted Aburame Shino, the bug-using genin who had jumped out of nowhere into the battle, with a complaint. "In time to steal my kill!" He grumbled and mumbled and stalked off towards the sounds of pain and death just a hundred meters away.

Sakura glared at Shino. "Now he isn't thanking me for helping him!" Inner Sakura was screaming in torment. She turned to follow and Shino turned around to finish off the bug-covered enemy.

(scene change)

Ranma and Naruto jumped around like ping-pong balls, barely dodging the needle-like projectiles of sand that Shukaku was firing at them from his arms and tail. Naruto slowed down, still managing to dodge, and began to attempt a summoning spell. "Aw, not the little frog again!" He suddenly cried.

Ranma looked over for just an instant and sighed. Naruto had wasted his chakra on some sort of frog... Not even a big, powerful frog!

Shukaku-Gaara saw the frog and shot a blast of sand at it, which Naruto barely got the frog out of the way of. "I'll protect you at least..." Naruto said.

"You won't be able to dodge anymore!" Shukaku suddenly exclaimed, growing to huge proportions as all the dirt in the area turned into sand and merged with him. With that, Gaara had almost completely become the sand demon. Only his head and arms stuck out of the top of the monstrosity, a tiny pimple on the forehead of a horrible god.

The frog suddenly spoke. "He uses forced sleep technique to activate his power. If you wake him he will lose his power. Ribbit."

Naruto blinked. "Insightful."

With a deep breath, he tried his summon again, focusing his energy. Ranma quietly set her hand on Naruto's shoulder as the hand of Shukaku came down, too large to dodge.

With a burst of demonic chakra, Gamabunta, the massive Frog-Boss, sprang into being, carrying Naruto, the little frog, and Ranma up into the sky on his head and blocking Shukaku's paw.

"YOU LITTLE RUNT!" Gamabunta shouted, "Why summon me now!"

The little frog shouted back, comically. "He helped me against that badger-thing."

Gamabunta focused his eyes. "Ah! My old foe, Shukaku. This changes everything, boy! I will help you fight this menace because he tried to kill my little child!"

Naruto shut one eye and squinted. "Why are you so dramatic?"

"Shut up and fight him! We need to wake his host!"

"I already knew that..."

(scene change.)

Sasuke and Sakura arrived too late to be of help. The giant brawl of the frog-boss and the demon raccoon raged high in the air, the frog jumping around and crushing whole sections of the forest and the badger shooting bursts of sand and air all over the place.

Sasuke felt a powerful yet familier chakra and the beastly frog suddenly transformed – into the spitting-image of the demon fox, the nine-tail, the Kyuubi...

Sasuke gasped as he recognized the powerful chakra. "Can this be... Naruto?"

The fox grabbed hold of Shukaku with its teeth, holding it in place as a lone figure stood atop the massive fox's head, addressing Gaara, Shukaku's host.

(scene change)

"I'm your family, Gaara! You have to stop this!"

Gaara was mumbling in his sleep, but it was clear he understood. "I know the... truth... you just wanted my power..."

"Never that! I wanted your friendship, and more importantly, your happiness. Please... Gaara, understand what I have to do..."

Gaara spoke louder, though his eyes remained shut. "You can only hurt me... now..."

Ranma spoke softly, and a tear ran down her face from her left eye. "Hurting you... That's what I have to do. Forgive me..."

With a mighty leap, accompanied by the poof of air as Gamabunta reverted to his normal form and released Naruto from the group transformation, Ranma launched herself as Gaara, and connected to his conflicted face with a devastating punch.

His eyes flew open, and Shukaku screamed, sending waves of sand, even as he dissolved, crashing into Gamabunta, Ranma, and Naruto, all too close to dodge. Gamabunta disappeared with a similar poof to the last one, and Naruto and Ranma collapsed to the ground, followed closely by Gaara, released by Shukaku's disappearing act.

Ranma fell head-first, and all went black for the dimensional traveling martial artist.

Naruto and Gaara fell next to each other, so weak they could barely talk.

(scene change)

The fighting figures had disappeared from view, and Sasuke and Sakura could not see them. However, they barely reacted in time when the sand holding Haku and Temari dissolved, almost failing to catch the two as they fail. Haku was unconscious but Temari stirred in Sasuke's arms, crying out in pain.

Sasuke's readiness for battle anew turned to concern as he noticed her right leg – severed at the ankle.

He almost threw up.

(scene change)

"Why do you fight for them – they only want to use you." Gaara weakly stated to Naruto, only a few feet to his left.

"They are my friends – and if you were in your right mind, you'd know that you have friends and family too." Naruto said with hope evident in his voice.

"But they don't..." Gaara began, but Naruto didn't let him finish.

"You have people who care about you! Forget that demon who possessed you! He's the one using you! Remember that the people of your family made you what you are – your experiences define you as a person who has compassion and understanding instead of a heartless killer!"

Gaara reflected on his foe's words for a moment, and felt the pain in his cheek rise anew. This bruise that his sister had given him now was twice as bad – that he had almost hurt those he loved because of a monster inside of him made the pain he deserved double.

He felt his eyes return to normal, and felt beat, but with new hope – this new experience let him know that his family wasn't looking for his power – for the one more powerful than him, that Naruto, was the same and had his friends as well.

Gaara looked at Ranma, out cold, and let a tear that paralleled Ranma's tear from before fall from his cheek. One tear only – of regret but also a promise that this kind of hurt would not happen again.

(scene change)

AR: whoo. It's been QVITE A VILE. I hope no one thought I died or anything. This chapter might trail off badly at the end, because I tried to transform Naruto's words to the new setting, and It didn't work out right, and also I am tired. Imagine that what he said makes sense and was inspirational. IF I GET AN EMAIL WITH (HINT HINT) A REVISED VERSION OF THE FINAL SCENE OF THIS CHAPTER I WILL (HINT HINT) TOTALLY POST IT IN A REVISION (HINT HINT). Not that I expect anyone will write this part for me but I am totally burning out and I don't wanna do the hard parts till I'm sure this story is back and not just a final sputter of the old match before it goes out forever. FOREVER.

EDIT: You are may be getting the alert twice because I forgot my omakes which people have allegedly enjoyed so I am doing more half-baked comedy.

OMAKE I:

The little frog shouted back, comically. "He helped me against that badger-thing."

Gamabunta focused his eyes. "Ah! My stupid child! Damn it Naruto, next time let that one die!"

OMAKE II:

Gaara spoke louder, though his eyes remained shut. "You can only screw me over... now..."

Ranma spoke softly, and a tear ran down her face from her left eye. "Screwing you... That's what I have to do. Forgive me..."

OMAKE II:

Sasuke's readiness for battle anew turned to perversion as he noticed her pants – cut open right at the middle.

He drooled.


	13. Consolidation

Results

Chapter 9?

"Consolidate Good Times"

By Kuno-Baka... err, Kuno-Baby

This chapter is dedicated to my best friend, the semicolon. Thank you for all you've done for me; especially this.

This chapter is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, for reasons I can't quite recall ???

AN: The first part of this tries to explain the last chapter and address all questions I have received. To chronicle them:

Q: Why did Gaara turn evil all of a sudden? (This one is really easy.)

Q: WTF??? (This one is easy too.)

Q: What (will) the leaf ... do with the (rogue) ninja team? (Ooh, a tricky one.)

Q: What happens now? (READ THE STORY. DUMBFACE.)

Q: Will Ranma, Haku, and Gaara become a new Konoha team? (See question 3.)

Q: Is Orochimaru going to be after Ranma now? (No. Orochimaru is only into little BOYS.)

Q: Damn you, Kevin Joe Bays. (Damn You! And thanks for the reviews.)

Q: Why did you cut off her foot? (Diabetes. This one is complicated and related to the fact that Lee's legs are fine in this version.)

Q: Why are you doing it in this Q+A format when you aren't even answering them at all? WTF? (See #2)

Q: Why haven't you corrected your error regarding Shukaku? (I art lazier than thou.)

AN: There's this author I know, and if you're reading this, bet YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. This guy takes SOOOOO long to update. I swear. It drives me mad. I have to read the whole thing again just to grasp enough of the story to write another chapter! Yeah, you! I know you're reading this, Kuno-Baby! Or should I say Kuno-Baka?

(scene change)

"You don't have to look at us like that, you know. We're coming willingly." Ranma sighed.

"I'm not watching you closely because I think you're dangerous," Sasuke explained. "I'm just worried about what Haku is doing to Naruto..."

Feigning a leg injury, Haku had forced Naruto to carry her to the village. Naruto was extremely uncomfortable as the trans-ninja had her arms around his neck and was laying a kiss on his cheek.

"Can't you walk on your own yet?" He grumbled, disturbed.

"Nope," Haku purred.

Ranma sighed. "Doesn't he realize she's faking?"

"He's pretty dumb."

"I don't approve of that relationship!" Ranma shouted at them. Sakura looked over at Ranma, walking next to HER Sasuke, and sighed in anger. "Why do _I _have to carry Temari?"

"Because I am already carrying Kankuro." Shino calmly called out from the back of the group. His insects were slowly lugging Kankuro across the bumpy ground.

"That doesn't count as carrying!" Sakura complained.

"Fine." Sasuke said, simply, "I'll carry her." He gently took Temari out of Sakura's hands, careful not to disturb the bandage around her ankle.

Sakura fumed. Inner Sakura screamed. "_I want him to carry **me**_ _that way!"_

They trudged along, the gates of Konoha and the wreckage around them visible in the distance ahead.

(scene change)

"We've discussed it over and over. You must take this job." An elder spoke softly to Jiraiya, Sannin and elite ninja.

"I can't. I'm not responsible enough. What of Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked.

"She hasn't been located. You MUST take the job!" He said, louder.

"Blast it!" Jiraiya exclaimed. "I don't want to be the -

He was interrupted by a smaller, older pervert. "I'll do it if you won't, sonny boy."

Happosai had a much larger pipe than normal, but was otherwise unchanged.

"Is that- Are you- That's..." Jiraiya spoke quickly and stuttered.

The village elder finally asked for him. "Are you smoking _Orochimaru's severed arms?"_

"So?" Happosai replied.

(scene change)

"What happened here?" Naruto exclaimed as he reached the broken gates. "Someone smashed right through here?"

"Let's meet with the Hokage. He'll tell us what to do..." Sasuke said, confidently.

(scene change)

"What? Can't you take a joke?" Happosai said, from his position upside-down and tied up securely.

"Novelty cigars are not funny! Especially not gruesome ones!" Jiraiya shouted, before tossing the perverted master off the building.

(scene change)

"Wounded to the infirmary." The jounin didn't even look up from his checklist.

"What? These are enemy combatants, if you didn't notice." Sasuke explained.

"Sand ninja are on temporary pardon. Complete surrender." The ninja looked up. "Didn't you hear about..." He focused on Ranma.

"Sound ninja? You actually took some alive? Most of them took their own lives following capture." The jounin took Ranma roughly by the hand. "This warrant special attention. We'll take care of them from now."

Ranma slapped his hand away and jumped back. "Wait just a second. I'm on your side."

"Hmm?" A half-dozen Anbu Elite Ninja dropped from nowhere in a containing circle around Ranma.

"Wait!" Sasuke said. "She's on our side. Her team defected before the attack."

"Oh, really? Even better." The jounin put aside his clipboard and looked closer at the motley group of mostly-injured genin. "I'll escort you to the council, and we can figure out what to do with you."

"Council? What about the Hokage?" Naruto said, impatiently, while helping Haku stand.

"You really haven't heard, have you? The Kazekage was assassinated by Orochimaru, the renegade sannin, and he also fought our own Hokage. The third fell protecting our village from Orochimaru."

Naruto gasped, and Sasuke tried to hold in an exclamation of shock. Sakura turned away.

"It's hard news to hear. The council of elders is leading the village until a new hokage is chosen."

(scene change.)

"What? Why can't I become hokage?" Happosai angrily asked.

"You're not technically a ninja." Jiraiya pointed out.

"Damn. We'll have to find someone else. Unless I can pass the Genin exams, Chuunin exams, and get appointed a Jounin in the next... four weeks." Happosai lit up. "Easy enough!"

"The next Chuunin Exam is next YEAR." Jiraiya pointed out.

"Damn. We'll have to find someone else, for real..."

(scene change)

As they entered the room, the Jounin made a slight bow towards the council.

"Two sand combatants captured. Four genin who need debriefing. Three Sound ninja... who have fought on our side in the recent conflict." He announced.

Looks of shock passed around the council. "Three sound ninja who have betrayed Orochimaru? How?"

"Uhh..." Ranma scratched the back of her neck nervously. "We aren't really sound ninja... we were just faking to get in the exam... hehehehehe..."

"Oh, gee, that's..." The council chair began, "We need them to be taken care of so we can get the whole story on this. Make sure they are guarded... we don't know if any Sound ninja will be after them... and we don't know if they'll turn out to be after us. Take the sand ninja with them, and make sure all of them get medic-nins to look them over. Especially the one with only one foot."

The jounin bowed once more towards the table and led them quickly out and to the nearest clinic.

(scene change)

Gaara stirred, then clutched his head, then clutched his heart. He hurt all over, and he couldn't remember anything since his fight had been interrupted... and he had been given some sort of potion...

"Gaara? You awake?" Ranma sat in a chair by his bed, concerned.

"Yeah... what... where?" Gaara couldn't form a whole sentence, his mind fragmented.

"Do you... do you remember what happened?" Ranma said, fearfully.

Gaara felt the memories rush back as he awoke fully. "I was... in a haze. The potion didn't let me think. Shukaku... took over. And you... and he... I'm... I'm so sorry!" He tried to sit up, but fell back down.

"It's alright. Kankuro explained it to us. The potion made you fall into a trance, where Shukaku could control you. What you did – it wasn't you." Ranma said, comfortingly.

Gaara sat up again, slower. "That Naruto... he's got a lot of guts." He reached for Ranma's hand, but Ranma brought him into a full embrace.

"I don't know how I'd get along if you weren't beside me, my brother." Ranma said.

"I'm just saying, Gaara continued, "With what he's displayed, I'm sure he's a good match for Haku."

"Ow." He finished, as Ranma thumped him on the head.

(scene change)

Kankuro sat beside Temari, his head in his hands. "We never should have taken this mission. We never should have believed that fake Kazekage. Why?"

"It... wasn't your fault. How... could... you... know?" Temari spoke, haltingly and weakly.

"I should have! I'm the kind of guy who should be setting such a trap, not falling blindly into it! You... might never walk again, much less fight! It's my fault for making you take that mission!" Kankuro began to softly cry.

"I wanted the mission as much as you – for the sand to come back." She spoke with more strength. "We were deceived. Lay the blame on the deceiver."

"I don't think you're right." Kankuro lifted his head. "I think I'll make up for this, somehow."

(scene change)

"Gaara. Now that you are well, the council must speak with you." The same jounin came back to act as an intermediary.

"Ranko will come with me." Gaara said, sharply.

"Of course. Come."

Gaara stood, slowly, and managed to step fast enough to make it to the council chamber. Ranma followed shortly behind.

"Saotome Gaara, known as Gaara of the desert because of his use of the sand. We have some news for you." The council chair announced solemnly.

"Yes?" Gaara said, flatly.

"You may know that the late Kazekage was your father?" The council chair said with equal tonelessness.

"Yes."

"He left a will. A rather long one."

Gaara's eyes shot open.

The council chair continued. "He leaves a note for you specifically, Gaara, and instructions. You should read it first." An attendant handed Gaara a piece of paper.

My Son

Though I never acknowledged you as anything other than a criminal in life, if you are reading this now, it means that I am dead and such worries are behind me. You are the strongest ninja of your generation – I know this, I have followed your exploits as a mercenary and a fugitive. You may or may not be surprised to know that I knew where you were the entire time – my spies are extremely good at what they do. I know that if I have died at this point, Gaara, that the sand needs you. I have left you one thing no one else could grant you in my will. Innocence. The Sand forgives you of everything you were accused of. Return. Become the Kazekage in my place.

Your Father, once Kazekage of the Sand

Gaara snarled with anger. He crumpled the page in his hand.

"No."

The council gasped.

Gaara went on. "Find someone else. My dead father will not have a hold on me. I have a family."

"Very well. But you and your 'family' are no longer missing-nin, you'll be glad to hear."

"No one could catch us anyway." Ranma quipped.

"But you are still homeless ninja. We have a hard decision to make. On the one hand, you are rogues and mercenaries, perhaps dangerous and perhaps criminals. On the other hand, the Leaf is undermanned after this invasion – and we need such talent in our village no matter the status of diplomacy between the villages. I will ask you to join a village again, Gaara. You and your team are invited to join the Leaf as genins."

Gaara was speechless, and Ranma did not say a word.

(scene change)

"Excuse me, sir, but who is this 'Tsunade?'" Kankuro addressed Happosai with great respect.

"Ah, a properly polite young man. Not many around these days. Why, I'll tell you all about her! From what I hear, she's the best healer on the planet!..."

(scene change)

Kakashi tried to explain again. "Listen, Naruto, your speech was all well and good, but I sensed chakra at work. You didn't do it with words alone."

"You mean?" Naruto said, mournfully.

"Yes. Ranma's punch imparted healing chakra that fixed Gaara's condition. Your speech about family made no sense and did nothing." Kakashi explained.

"Awwww..."

(scene change)

"Are you sure I made the right choice?" Gaara asked, insecure.

"Yep!" Ranma said, happily.

"You're just glad they made you a chuunin instead!" Gaara accused.

"Yep!" Ranma said, happily. "Hey, wait'll I tell Haku. He's wanted to stick in one place for a while, and he'll be double glad because he can see Naruto all the time now."

Gaara mumbled under his breath. "Leadership skills demonstrated my ass. They just think you're more powerful than me."

"I am a leader now, Gaara. You better do what I say!" Ranma stuck her tongue out.

"Well, are you going to tell them about the curse?" Gaara asked, innocently.

"Urk!" Ranma bit her tongue.

(end chapter)

AN: Well. Well... If I didn't answer any questions... let me check, actually. I'll just answer em plain right here unless they give spoilers.

Q: WTF???

A: I wrote a story called Results. You liked it enough to review. That's what.

Q: Why did you cut off her foot?

A: It would spoil to tell you, but I gave a big ol' hint.

Q: Damn you, Kevin Joe Bays.

A: Please forgive me. I actually love you. Don't leave me! I'm lonely!

Q: Is Orochimaru going to be after Ranma now?

A: He's after a lot of people. Who knows? He may discover the curse and get a crush on boy-ranma.

OMAKE:

"Uhh..." Ranma scratched the back of her neck nervously. "We aren't really sound ninja... we were just playing around with the headbands... hehehehehe..."

OMAKE II:

The village elder finally asked for him. "Are you smoking _Orochimaru's severed arms?"_

"So?" Happosai replied.

AN: This actually appeared in the chapter. Go figure.

OMAKE III:

"Fine." Sasuke said, simply, "I'll carry her." He gently took Temari out of Sakura's hands, careful not to disturb the bandage around her ankle.

Naruto fumed. Inner Naruto screamed. "_I want him to carry **me**_ _that way!"_


	14. WHEREIN OUR HERO DOES

Results

Chapter Ten (FINALLY)

By Kuno-Baby

AN: Now, I know you all love long waits, so I'm posting this one as early as possible. To RobotPirateNinja, Slacker is another more popular fanfic writer who, at the time, appeared dead, so I copied his plot idea after an email to him was rejected (as in the mail was returned "address not found"). Within one day he was threatening to sue and suddenly became alive again. I removed the story AND HE KEPT FLAMING ME. So I am pretty pissed at him.

Q+A

Q: Is Ranma's sharingan real?

A: I tried to make it clearer. He has gained the Sharingan as he was already almost there and then saw it in use. I was trying to insert the implication that Genma was developing a bloodline-power of the same sort, which is why Ranma picks up techniques so fast. Needless to say, I didn't write it in so well so I deleted it. Now you know.

Q: How will Kasumi react? Nabiki? Akane?

A: Spoiler! Kasumi, Akane and Nabiki all commit ritual suicide. No, really, read the chapter. Yeah, I know you didn't actually phrase it as a question but as I always say, "Any opportunity to be an asshole."

Q: Will you be using the filler episodes?

A: That's a hard one to do. If I need some time to think about the plot, I will not take another huge break. Instead, I will probably insert the filler episodes! Also, I seem to remember YET ANOTHER ORPHANED BRAT by the name of "Ranma-ru" who could certainly fit in with my overall plans...

Q: Why are you so damned sexy?

A: I am just so hot.

(scene change)

"Wow. A lot of stuff happened all at once." Naruto said.

Sasuke grimaced. "And even though the Chuunin exams were interrupted, the Council promoted not one, but TWO genin to chuunin... and neither one was me!"

Sakura looked at Sasuke quizzically. "There's always next year, you know."

Haku looked up. "You're right! I can still become a chuunin!"

Naruto shut his eyes. "Why am I still carrying you?"

(scene change)

"The council applauds your initiative. However, it is a dangerous mission, and we should not be letting a Sand ninja off on his own for the time being, we will be assigning you some partners for this mission." The council chair bowed to Kankuro, and had a Jounin guard lead him out of the room before arranging for the attendants to gather the other appointed team members.

(scene change)

Jiraiya came upon the four of them sitting together, though Haku was still in Naruto's lap. Somehow, he mused, they must feel closer than before – having survived the defense of Konoha together.

"Naruto." He said simply, and Naruto leaped up, somehow not disturbing Haku, who merely sat down normally.

"Yes, Ero-sennin?" Naruto responded, with respect despite the term.

AN: Ero-Sennin means Perverted Hermit. It doesn't seem right to translate – it doesn't make as much sense in English imho.

"Don't call me that! The council's decided that you and I and a few other ninja are going on a special mission." Jiraiya grinned.

"Special mission?" Sasuke asked, "What about me?"

Kakashi appeared behind him, reading a book about love and sex. "Special training instead. One-on-one."

"What about me?" Haku asked.

"Uh..." Naruto began, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Haku shrugged.

Naruto ran off, following Jiraiya, while Sasuke and Kakashi opted to simply disappear. Haku stood. "Uh, I'm gonna see what Gaara's up to. See ya!"

Sakura was alone. "_Special mission. Special training. Am I just going to fall behind?"_

At long last, she decided to visit Temari at the hospital.

(scene change)

"So, a special mission?" Ranma asked, addressing the council.

"Yes. It was decided that your leadership and combat abilities should be tested apart from your team. You'll be with Naruto and his two special trainers. In fact, one of them specifically requested your presence on the mission, and we couldn't object."

"Couldn't object?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.

The council chair looked around, then whispered, "We can't stop him any other way!"

Happosai bounced through, his bag stuffed full of kunoichi gear. "Sexy yet dangerous!" he cried, then blasted his way out the far wall. A horde of angry female ninja followed quickly after.

Ranma sighed. "It's almost like I'm back in Nerima again..."

(scene change)

Nabiki was pissed. Very, very pissed.

Cologne still had a sense of humor. And she did it all on purpose. Nabiki was sure.

Well, almost totally sure. The very moment after Orochimaru began his retreat, arms destroyed, from Konoha, Nabiki had felt a change in her. She'd suddenly gained knowledge about the world she was in, and her physical self had also changed slightly. Cologne had made her, Nabiki Tendo, into one of those crazy ninjas!

And Cologne had left out just enough that she needed to study to pass the Genin Exam! What a bitch!

(scene change)

Kasumi began to get nervous as she returned from her mission. The rebuilding project looked pretty good, but why did they need to rebuild? She began to get the feeling she had missed something very big.

She almost dropped the severed head of a missing-nin when she heard about the Hokage.

(scene change)

"So. They picked you to accompany me? A dangerous new recruit to guard a surrendered enemy?" Kankuro remarked.

"Not just me." Ranma replied.

Happosai and Jiraiya popped out of the surrounding vegetation. "Surprise!"

Ranma hit Happosai over the head, knocking him out.

"I could feel his eyes on me..." Ranma said, to cover up the real reason. She needed to have a good chat with Happosai before some things were said.

Jiraiya grinned nervously and backed away, hiding his binoculars.

Naruto also jumped from the surrounding vegetation. "Me too!" then, after looking around, "Wow! How'd you beat Master Happosai?"

Ranma groaned. "We have some history between us, and he's got some weaknesses I know about. Such as being unable to take his eyes off a girl's assets."

Naruto looked confused, then nervous as he figured out the metaphor.

"So, what's this secret mission anyway?" Ranma asked, and Naruto nodded.

Kankuro turned to Ranma. "You know how my sister's been hurt. This is why I am going on this mission. We are looking for a specific ninja – the most powerful healer that has ever lived. Tsunade. The last one of the Sannin."

"So why is Konoha sending us on your personal quest?" Ranma asked, "Not that I mind helping Temari out." she quickly amended.

"Tsunade is also going to be the next Hokage. The fifth. Jiraiya has refused, and so must also assist in finding his replacement." Kankuro finished solemnly.

Naruto spoke. "I guess I'll have to settle for sixth then..."

Ranma shook her head.

(scene change)

Gaara walked slowly to the top of the hill that Kakashi had been using as a training area for Sasuke, riddled with holes in the boulders from the power of Chidori.

"So. You trained him specifically to defeat me?" Gaara asked, mirthfully. "You know, even if he can get through my sand, he still must hit me..."

"We saw." Kakashi sighed. "I am trying to teach him better Taijutsu. Regularly, so he won't be so set in form."

Gaara smirked. "We don't have a jounin sensei. Perhaps you can help me as well."

Kakashi was about to reject the idea when Gaara's sand revealed a magazine, half submerged in the ground.

Kakashi hadn't read that one yet.

"It's a deal."

(scene change)

Nabiki was bored of the tests. So she needed a little studying for the written test; the jutsu test was easy. Cologne hadn't been deficient in that regard. She'd even given Nabiki her own specialty style – one Nabiki could appreciate.

"Henshin no Jutsu!" Nabiki said, with just a little raising of the voice, and transformed perfectly into Iruka, the teacher of the class.

Nabiki could transform with great skill. She could use illusions so well that Kurenai had taken a special interest in her training. She could even use the Third's crystal ball with disturbing accuracy. In short, she was the perfect information gatherer - a ninja spy like no other.

And spies, she knew, were always paid well.

(scene change)

Kakashi smirked. It was best to let students think the teacher was simple minded. Sasuke had, of course, objected to letting Gaara in on the training, especially for such a stupid bribe. Kakashi, however, knew that it took skill to hide something like that without even Kakashi himself seeing it, and also to do the research and figure out which magazine to get. He was impressed.

Also, the girls in the picture on the front cover had big breasts, but that was more of a bonus.

(scene change)

AN: I AM TOTALLY WRITER'S BLOCKED. THEREFORE, THOUGH INCOMPLETE, THIS CHAPTER IS POSTING BEING DONE. I WILL NOT REVISE FOR LONGER – INSTEAD, IT WILL BE AN EXTRA CHAPTER.

THANK YOU FOR **NOTHING.**


	15. Interdeluded

Results

Block-Breakin' Interlude

AN: So they're back, the dreaded interludes, with a whole new level of suck. I need this bad jokes and swear words to concentrate on the serious stuff. For bonus points, guess the characters and setting from the title.

Night of the Return of the Attack of the Mighty Morphin Mad Senile Amazon

Part Zero + One Half

Cologne's eyes, closed for all her near memory, sprang open once again, to face the light of the distant sun. She felt the dust of the Moon beneath her feet and the still vacuum of space around her, though she still survived.

"After a thousand years," she softly spoke, aloud despite the lack of air, "After a thousand years, I have awakened! I will have my revenge on the people of earth!" Cologne declared.

The Moon lander robot beside her sighed, if it was at all possible for a robot to sigh. "She's only been here ten minutes..." it thought, solemnly.

(scene change)

"I am a robot that was once, months ago, built to explore the Moon more thoroughly. But the magic of Cologne gave me intelligence and purpose. From the time I first thought, I knew she was evil, as well as insane. I have gathered you here because you are the only chance to defeat her." the Moon Lander, now nicknamed Zargon, finished explaining.

Shampoo looked at Ukyo, then at Pantyhose Taro. "We've tried to fight her before. She destroyed Nerima on the day she came back from the moon. We're powerless before her might." Shampoo had finished learning Japanese in the two years Cologne had spent dancing on the Moon before coming to Earth again.

"I have something for that also. I have almost one half of her foul magic in my hands, but it is the weaker half – enchantments and minor tricks like teleportation. I can grant you the power to defeat her, once combined with your own formidible strengths." Zargon looked away, his holographic face blinking though it never needed to. "Take these power bracelets. Tap the button and say 'Power Up!' and you will be granted the power you need."

Ukyo was first to react. "Power Up!" Her body seemed to shimmer, before she was suddenly covered in a red body armor, her traditional spatula strapped to her back, and a small pistol at her hip.

Ryuu Kumon, standing in the back, mumbled under his breath, and gained an armor of the sheerest black, along with an assault rifle. "Sweet." he said.

Gosunkugi, well aware he was chosen because he was hiding behind Taro when they were summoned, stuttered out the command phrase, and was made into a warrior of shining blue, a small gun with a voodoo doll imprint on the side appearing in his hand.

Shampoo cried out "Power Up!" with confidence, and her pink armor seemed to compliment her hair perfectly before it was sealed under her helmet. Her bonbori maces at her back and a pistol similar to Ukyo's at her side, she appeared most dangerous of the group despite her coloring.

Panyhose Taro screamed out at the top of his lungs, and a yellow suit covered him, leaving him with just the armor and no weapons.

Taro was pissed. "What is this shit? You all got cool shit and sweet colors, and here I'm in a fuckin YELLOW costume with NOTHING?"

Zargon responded. "No one actually likes you."

The Red Ranger looked at the Pink Ranger, her expression masked by... her mask... and then turned and walked towards Shampoo, taking her hand. She took off her helmet, but the rest of the suit stayed. "We've got the ability to finally beat her. We can find our friends again."

Shampoo also took her helmet off, dropping it by her side. "We can tell Ranma when we find him..." Shampoo almost trailed off, leaving unspoken that they didn't even know if Ranma or anyone Cologne had misplaced was still alive. "We can tell him that we don't love him like that anymore." With that said, she wrapped her arms around Ukyo's neck and planted a kiss on her lips.

Ryuu looked disappointed. "Fuck! Now who will I get as a love interest in this shitty story."

Gosunkugi looked hopeful, until Ryuu caught him staring and hit him so hard his parents felt it.

AN: That's all for now. Hopefully it is amusing.


	16. Arbitrarily Chapter Twelve

Results

Chapter Arbitrarily Defined As 12

AN: I can't remember which chapter I'm on and can't be bothered to check. Therefore this is chapter twelve. We're returning to the Naruto-verse for now.

Edit: Adding the normal stuff that I forgot this time.

This chapter is dedicated to the hard-working folks at Dattebayo and the GNAA. This chapter is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, for reasons beyond our control.

(scene change)

Nabiki watched silently as Ranma and the other four left the village. She held a Konoha ninja headband in one hand, and shadowed her eyes with the other. "I'd wanted to show him..."

(scene change)

"So how are we planning to track her?" Ranma asked, cautiously.

"We have her description, as well as a village where she was last seen." Jiraiya began, idly. "In fact, there it is now." He finished, pointed, as the tops of several roofs appeared on the horizon.

"Let's ask around. Someone has to know where she went."

(scene change)

Gaara looked closely at the small boulder in the middle of the training ground. He stood not more than twenty feet away from it, looking it over and noting that it still had fresh dirt caked to it from where he had pulled it free of the ground and shoved it back in a vertical position. A good target for a powerful move, he mused, and began making hand signs.

"Torrent of Sand!" He said, softly, and the sand in his gourd flew out in a concentrated stream about a foot in diameter. It struck the rock, eroding it decades in the span of seconds. With a grunt, Gaara gritted his teeth and the flow changed into barely an inch wide. It drilled through the rock in half a second.

He smirked. The sand began to circle around the rock, going through the hole like some sort of deranged, twisted, wriggling piercing. With another hand sign, he called out a little louder.

"Sand Explosion!"

The sand violently expanded within the hole in the rock, blasting the entire rock into small shards.

"Perfect." Gaara said to himself, and began to scan the training field for more large rocks. Instead, he quickly found himself face to face with a blond girl about his height who had wandered onto the field while he was working on his technique.

Ino, meanwhile, was marveling at the power of the ninja's jutsu while simultaneously readying for battle. "What are you doing here?"

Not noticing the hostility in her voice, Gaara responded with no emotion. "Training. This isn't a private ground, is it?"

Confounded by his answer, she stood a little straighter and rephrased. "I mean, weren't you a sound-nin at the exams? Aren't we at war?"

Gaara sighed. "The news hasn't spread so fast, has it? My team has joined the leaf." He pointed to the leaf symbol on the strap of his gourd, one of the least intended uses for a _headband_ in the history of ninja.

"Wow." Ino said, still a little confused. "Um, can I use this training ground also? My team is too lazy so I have to train alone..." Her words degenerated into mumbling.

Gaara felt uncomfortable. "Uhh..."

"What was that?" Ino asked, leaning a little closer.

Gaara blushed, and fell backwards.

(scene change)

"You called for me?" Sasuke was never a loud-spoken boy, but his voice hinted at more than annoyance as he stared at the obnoxious and twig-like council member standing before him.

"Hm, yes. Uchiha Sasuke. The Leaf, in this time of crisis, has been forced to make many connections and alliances to stay powerful and survive. More so without our Hokage. So..."

He was interrupted by a knocking on the door. Before the chuunin guard could open it, it swung open, hitting the guard in the face. Nabiki Tendo barged into the room.

"This had better be worth my time!" Nabiki yelled, "I was about to leave on a mission when your messenger found me!"

"Er, yes, this is a little more important. See, as I was saying, Konoha is in a tenuous position, barely balancing at the top by calling in favors and the like. We must look now more than ever towards the future of our clans and of our village. Therefore..."

Sasuke was a little confused as to how this involved him at all. Nabiki, however, looked over at Sasuke and began to get the idea.

"We must inform the two of you that, as an executive council decision on two wards of the village, the orphaned Sasuke Uchiha and the parentless Nabiki Tendo are to be engaged, to be married when Sasuke turns fourteen."

Sasuke was pretty shocked. "What? Why?" Actually shouting for once, he took a step forward.

Nabiki just shook her head. "I should have known..."

The council member nervously continued. "The Tendo Clan, as much of it as we have seen in Konoha, has a genetic affinity for the Uchiha Clan's Sharingan. That is to say, if the two of you were to have children it is almost certain they would possess the Sharingan. Nabiki and her sister Kasumi may or may not awaken the Sharingan in their lifetimes, but as Nabiki is the closest to your age, it is the best match. We have even tested her blood to be certain – she has the genes for it."

Nabiki took her turn to growl. "Don't I have any say in this?"

Ignoring her, the councilman continued. "This also relieves your sister of the trouble of keeping you in her small apartment – for the duration of your engagement and presumably after the marriage you will live with Sasuke on the Uchiha grounds. I assume you'll want to live in the same house though you'll have your choice of any of the houses and mansions that Sasuke will inherit when he comes of age."

Sasuke turned to Nabiki. "Weren't you going to object?"

Nabiki looked at Sasuke, a silly grin on her face. "What's there to object about? Come on, lover, let's go get my things and take them to these mansions of yours..." Inside, Nabiki was content. 'Hey, and the kid's cute too.'

(scene change)

Ranma shivered for the umpteenth time. 'Why does every single one of their jutsu have to be cat-based??' she thought, before dodging another tri-forked blast of chakra labeled by the enemy as a "cat-strike."

They had come upon the "Cat-Clan" of missing-nin while looking for Tsunade. Apparently, Tsunade had skipped out on some gambling debts, and the Cat-Clan was going to take it out of any of her friend's flesh.

Ranma was annoyed because all of this cat-crap was preventing her from contributing meaningfully to the fight. She was useless!

Suddenly, the leader of the cat-clan, his cat-ears atop his helmet slouching slightly, called out above the sounds of the battle. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

Ranma looked at the huge summon and blacked out.

(scene change)

Ino was quickly at his side. "Sorry, did I push you or anything?"

Gaara sat up, and scooted backwards to avoid being close. "No. I'm just..."

Ino stepped closer to hear better, but Gaara stood and unsteadily stepped back again. "I haven't been this close to anyone other than Ranma."

Ino was a little confused. "Close?"

Gaara looked down. "Physically close. No one wants to be near me normally. I'm not used to this. Even Ranma likes to keep his distance, but he does go within my shield-range on occasion."

"Uh, he?" Ino asked, wondering about the slip of the tongue.

"Er, she, I guess. My sand isn't controlled unless I spend chakra on it – it reacts on its own to protect me. Only Ranma's ever gotten past it before – well, and that Lee kid was fast enough, but didn't manage it."

"How do you get it to react without chakra?"

Gaara's eyes darkened. "Before I was a missing-nin, I was the son of the Kazekage. They sealed an ancient power in me, at the cost of my mother's life. I was told that the sand was attached to me by her spirit and would protect me out of love... and also protect what I love." Gaara looked up. "I think, though, that it is more my own feelings that can direct it rather than a ghost."

"That's... that's so sad!" Ino suddenly raised her voice. "Your father killed your mother just so you could have power over sand? What kind of family did you have?"

Gaara looked surprised, then began to think. "That wasn't a family. My family is Ranma and Haku."

Ino just looked at him, and tried to image living with only one person ever having touched you at all...

(scene change)

Sasuke was actually to the point of open resistance. "So, I have to carry YOUR stuff to MY house so you can live there and to top it off, we first have to go on a shopping trip with MY money to get YOU more stuff for ME to carry?"

Nabiki chuckled. "You have plenty of money, lover, and I'm sure you should spend it on your beloved wife-to-be."

"Oh? Why's that?" Sasuke lifted an eyebrow.

"Because I'm so hot, that's why." Nabiki said, matter-of-factly.

"I have plenty of hot girls who'd love to be with me – what makes you so special?" Sasuke asked, under his breath, but Nabiki heard.

"Those girls your age? Listen, boy, I have something those twelve-year-olds couldn't compete with."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"These." Nabiki said, cupping her breasts seductively. 'Not as big as when I was seventeen, but more than this kid's ever had shaken at him!' she thought smugly.

"... Which store did you say we were going to first?"

(scene change)

A scene of pure destruction was visited upon the eyes of Ranma Saotome as she awoke slowly, managing to sit up from her previous relaxed position of being crumpled in a heap on the ground. Blood was everywhere, on the tattering Cat-Clan banner, on the destroyed Cat-Clan hideout, on the bodies of the Cat-Clan, and little splatters of it were left on what remained of the Cat-Clan summoning contract scroll – suspiciously like her own handprints.

"Ah, my b... Ranma, awake I see?" Happosai said calmly. "Jiraiya still hasn't recovered."

"What... happened?" Ranma asked, dazedly.

"You went cat, m'boy. Their leader summoned a huge cat, and you just went mad. Well, not the easiest way to defeat them but, as I always say, BOOBIES!!!" And with that, he attempted a grab at Ranma's "assets," his lunge blocked by the first thing Ranma could find – Jiraiya's slumped form.

Naruto and Kankurou huddled together in a corner of the courtyard, shaking with fear.

"You- you're worse than..." Naruto began, before remembering his own berserk mindset when the fox had taken him over during training.

Ranma stalked over to the two slowly. "How'd Jiraiya get hurt anyway?"

Kankurou began. "Well, when you had finished with the Cat-Clan, you began to circle around. You seemed to be less hostile, so Jiraiya tried to cop a feel."

Naruto finished the story. "When you hit Jiraiya so hard that it demolished the whole building, Happosai-sensei hit you over the head with the pipe. Then you woke up."

(scene change)

AN: That was short. What the heck? Write more! Oh wait, I'M ME. Sheesh. Now that the important matchups have been decided, you all are allowed to vote on the less important ones. YOU MAY VOTE FOR ANY TWO OR THREE CHARACTERS NOT INCLUDING GAARA, INO, NABIKI, or SASUKE. That is, any vote including two or three names will be a vote for that matchup for example:

Review: I vote for a Chouji, Sakura, and Kakashi matchup!

This would be taken as some sort of sick freak and as a vote for ChoujixSakuraxKakashi.

Kuno-Asshole, signing out.

OMAKE 1:

Kankurou began. "Well, when you had finished with the Cat-Clan, you began to circle around. Then, you just sort of lied down."

Naruto finished the story. "When you fell asleep, Jiraiya and Happosai pounced. That's why you're naked."

Ranma punctuated the story by burning their bodies after killing them.

Omake 2:

Nabiki took her turn to growl. "Don't I have any say in this?"

Addressing her, the councilman continued. "Well, we didn't think you'd be unhappy with this, considering his penis size..."

Sasuke turned to Nabiki. "Weren't you going to object?"

Nabiki looked at Sasuke, a silly grin on her face. 

Omake 3:

"Wow." Ino said, still a little confused. "Um, can I use this training ground also? My team is too lazy so I have to train alone..." Her words degenerated into mumbling.

Gaara felt uncomfortable. "Uhh..."

"What was that?" Ino asked, leaning a little closer.

Gaara blushed, and his sand flew out, crushing her to death just like that rock moments before. "Shit, I wish that would stop happening. How will I ever have sex if my sand kills everything near me?"

Looking again at the mutilated corpse, Gaara considered the possibilities. "Nah."


	17. Snickerdoodle

Results

Chapter **Snickerdoodle**: I'm not really back, this story is dead!

AN: Just confirming that this story is totally dead! It won't be updated! In fact, this isn't even an update! In fact, all of the things I write are dead!

AN: I'm just kidding! Probably. Wow, it's been a long time, Results! I got distracted by many things, some more important that you and some less. I also started writing other stories, some of which I am ashamed of. Well, as this story is pure and unadulterated CRACK, I figured it's ok to resume late! Let me get back into the swing of things! IKUZE!

AN AGAIN! As usual, if anyone wants to rewrite/proofread/add scenes, feel free to do it and send it to me. I have neither the time nor the inclination to clean this story up, but many of you have offered/requested such service! Also, joke recommendation by PM ONLY PLEASE. Do not leave reviews that are nothing but some joke you thought up one day! It's disrespectful to the people who want to read the reviews to find out how much the story sucks! HAHA, Author Notes are such a great way to express yourself! I will quit my livejournal POST HASTE. And even as I write this, I am re-reading Results, and thinking, Kuno, Tatewaki… man, you are a whackjob, where did you even think of these things?

This story is dedicated to Koushi Rikudo, creator of Excel Saga and master of madness, and also to Nabeshin, my old comrade! And also to everyone but Slacker, who is still the VICTIM OF MY HATRED FOREVER. I love you, buddy.

(scene does not change)

Ino grabbed his hand suddenly, kneeling down to look at him face-to-face. "You mean that aside from your sister… you have never felt a person's loving touch?"

Gaara scratched his head with his free hand. "Mostly Ranko punches me," he said, jokingly. Unfortunately for him…

Ino took him seriously.

"You poor thing! " She yelled, and wrapped her arms around his neck in a strangling hug. Gaara barely managed to loosen her hold before she started to tear up. "I need to show you the love of another human being!" Ino said, suddenly.

'And it doesn't hurt that he's a hottie!' She thought to herself, admiring his serious face and powerful arms.

(scene change)

Ranma shivered, remembering the Cat Clan as they walked through yet another small town. His musing was interrupted as both Happosai and Jiraiya stopped. Paying closer attention to his environment, he sensed something as well.

Jiraiya turned slowly to Happosai. "Old friend ... do you feel that?" He asked seriously.

Happosai nodded. "Yes… I sense a powerful… HOTTIE!" With that, the two of them jumped high above the crowd, coming to rest grasping the breasts of a random but attractive pedestrian.

"IDIOTS!" Ranma dispensed vigilante justice as she yelled, badly bruising their naughty bits with well placed kicks.

Jiraiya and Happosai crumpled to the ground. Naruto and Kankurou clutched their own balls as Ranma lead them further into the town.

(scene change)

A red-and-black cloaked form stood over the body of Nii Yugito, once Jinchuuriki of the Nibi no Nekotama. Another cloaked form with a spiraling mask stood farther back.

"Wow, sempai, you're so strong!" Tobi said, his mask obscuring his face.

The other Akatsuki member grinned and held his katana above his head. "The Red Blade of Akatsuki triumphs again! The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure!" Kuno Tatewaki grinned as red lightning flared in the background.

AN: Oh come on, as if no one was expecting that… Actually, after so long it might be hard to remember what to expect…

(scene change)

Nabiki settled happily into the spacious, luxurious couch in Sasuke's favorite building in the Uchiha section of the town. Overall, he had an entire neighborhood, some 30-40 buildings, most of which were fit for entire families of royalty. Such extravagance! Life was good.

Sasuke settled happily next to her, turning the TV on. He unconsciously put his arm around her shoulders, and she grinned evilly.

As soon as the television show started and Sasuke was distracted, Nabiki grabbed his hand and placed it on her breast. "Oh, Sasuke-kun! So forward! "

Sasuke, despite knowing it was entirely her fault, blushed. "S-sorry…"

"Ha-ha, so easy to manipulate…" Nabiki closed her eyes and laughed, and Sasuke's eyes flashed.

He moved his face in, and Nabiki's eyes opened just as his lips met hers.

Nabiki gasped around the kiss, and put her own arm around him, holding his hand to her breast with her other hand. Sasuke moaned softly, then pulled back. "Urk! Tongue???"

"You started it… or maybe I did?" Nabiki grinned perversely. "I think… we need more practice. Shall we… continue?"

Sasuke nodded, half dreading it yet completely erect.

AN: Wow, I almost wrote a lemon there! Oops, against site policy! Doh!

(scene change)

AN: Again, so soon? Anyway, I am posting this because I think it's funny, even though it isn't. I have to cut it short because otherwise it would cut me painfully! I think in bursts, semi-automatic!

OMAKE:

"Wow, sempai, you're so strong!" Tobi said, his mask obscuring his face.

The other Akatsuki member grinned and held his katana above his head. "The Red Blade of Akatsuki triumphs again! The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure!" Kuno Tatewaki grinned as red lightning flared in the background. 'And since I'm not only the author's favorite character, I'm also his namesake, I can't possibly lose! '

OMAKE NUMERO DOS:

As soon as the television show started and Sasuke was distracted, Nabiki grabbed his penis and placed it on her breast. "Oh, Sasuke-kun! So forward! "

AN: Throughout writing this scene, Microsoft Word tried to change Sasuke to Sauce. Fufufufufu.

OMAKE NUMERO TRES:

"You poor thing! " She yelled, and wrapped her hands around his penis. "I need to show you the love of another human being!"

AN: I don't know! I'm just dirty minded today.


	18. A New Chapter!

Results

Chapter… Is it a new chapter?

AN: Hey everybody! If you got the alert that said the story was dead and didn't read the note, please go bad and read the previous chapter! Hey, it was just a joke! Today I decided after class to write some more, so please don't be bothered by how short it is. I am a short person myself and it doesn't bother me!

Writing Notes: As I started the Tsunade sequence, I realized I was totally forgetting about some fights with Itachi and Kisame somewhere… Like Sasuke went to find Naruto and fought his brother or something. It's totally past me, though, so I'm ignoring it. Because romantic comedy is funnier. And because the sex is hotter. I may write a lemon, never did it before but I have CERTAINLY READ ENOUGH OF THEM. If I do… it's going in the lemon section on TFF.

This chapter is dedicated to the entire TFF community (especially the Naruto section), because someone finally mentioned me there. I was wondering if I just happened to suck so much that TFF was ignoring me! Nope, I suck a little less than that. This chapter is also dedicated to everyone but Slacker, because no chapter would be complete without that part.

(scene change)

Gaara blushed again. Ino was holding his arm to her side as she pulled him through the streets of Konoha, giving him a short tour on the way to her house. She pointed out such important locations as training grounds, restaurants, and the top of the Hokage Monument, and pointed out how good they would be for dates and making out.

Ino feigned innocence at his deeply perverted expression, but inwardly cheered at her total conquest of this powerful (and SEXY) ninja.

(scene change)

Nabiki and Sasuke sat at opposite ends of the large couch, as far apart as possible, pretending to ignore each other. They both stared blankly at the television, not even really noticing what was on.

Both had faces the exact same shade of red. Nabiki thought for a moment, then reached over without looking and grabbed Sasuke's hand. "You know, I have condoms in my purse…" she said meaningfully.

Sasuke gulped.

(scene change)

Ranma led the two boys into a small restaurant, a block away from where they had left Happosai and Jiraiya. Keeping her senses alert, she casually sat down at a table. The feeling of a powerful ninja came closer until Ranma spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

"It's you!" The owner of the powerful feeling screamed, and Ranma looked at the woman who had addressed her. Upon noticing the identity of said woman, she leapt out her chair and pointed a finger at the newcomer. "You! You ran out after our bet!"

"I was planning on paying you back!"

"Got the money?" Ranma sighed.

"No… But I will sometime soon." Tsunade, the Legendary Sucker and the only person in the entire universe who was a worse gambler than Ranma, responded meekly.

"Listen, I…" Ranma began, but she was interrupted.

"Who's this old lady?" Naruto asked.

"It's a friend of mine. She owes me a lot of money and…" Ranma was interrupted again.

"What did you say her name was?" Kankurou asked, feeling Tsunade's aura.

"I didn't you brat, and I didn't appreciate being called an old lady either! I'm Tsunade, but you can call me Tsunade-sama, one of the legendary sannin!"

"Tsunade?" Kankurou gulped, then quickly scrambled into a respectful bow. "Please help me! My sister is injured and may never be a ninja again without your help!"

"Hmph. Why should I help you?" Tsunade said haughtily, until she caught Ranma's eye.

Ranma groaned. "I'll consider your debt paid… if you come back to the Leaf and…"

"Every cent I owe you?" Tsunade asked, eagerly.

"Yes, but you have to…" Ranma groaned as Tsunade interrupted again.

"I'll do it!"

Jiraiya and Happosai walked in, and Tsunade was suddenly on guard.

"You mean you'll become Hokage?" Jiraiya asked innocently.

Tsunade gaped.

(scene change)

"Sasuke-kun, I hea-" Sakura interrupter herself with a gasp as she flung the door open. "Sasuke-kun, who is this slut!" She screamed angrily.

Nabiki had pinned Sasuke and was fiddling with the packaging of a certain protection device.

"Ehe…" Sasuke managed to utter, a far cry from his usual dismissive grunt.

"Why… I'm his beloved, of course. Tendo Nabiki, engaged to Uchiha Sasuke." Nabiki explained. "And if you call me a slut again, I'll cut your throat."

Sasuke nodded helplessly, and pushed Nabiki off of himself gently, revealing his tented pants.

Sakura took a step back, then slammed the door and ran.

Nabiki frowned. "The mood is ruined. I have a mission in an hour anyway… " Nabiki walked off.

Sasuke cried.

(scene change)

Ino and Gaara weren't sure when they were going to have to breathe again, but after about seven minutes of constant lip-lock, they were not quite ready to stop.

"Ino, I just saw Sasuke-kun with this sl-" Sakura interrupted herself with a gasp. "Ino, who is this stud?"'

Ino didn't reply. Sakura sighed.

(scene change)

Tsunade stood up and slammed her hands on the table. "If that's what you're asking me to do, I must refuse!"

Ranma grinned. "But just think… your entire debt…"

Tsunade grimaced. "Fine! In that case… let's make a bet! If the bratty kid next to you can learn a secret technique of Jiraiya's in one week, I'll become Hokage! If not, my debt is cleared! Deal?"

Ranma sighed. 'Even in this part, we can't diverge… er, I mean, I'm hungry.'

(scene change)

Haku was training by tossing senbon at absurd angles and somehow managing to embed all of them, through collision and breaking the laws of physics, into the same bullseye on the same target 100 meters away.

Sakura came running into the training area. "Haku-san! Haku-san!" She was out of breath.

"Sakura-san. What might be the occasion?" Haku asked, holding a senbon.

"I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I saw you so…" Sakura began to tear up.

"Hmm, so I'm a last resort, huh?" Haku asked, sniffing.

"It's not like that! I've only just met you!" Sakura explained, desperately.

Haku laughed softly. "Very well. Go on."

Sakura composed herself. "Sasuke… my crush for so long… is screwing some slut… and my best friend since childhood, Ino, is too busy making out with your brother to talk to me at all…"

Haku smiled. "Which one?"

"Which one what?" Sakura asked quizzically.

"Never mind…" Haku trailed off, smiling and laughing with his eyes.

"Sasuke is getting special tutoring… Naruto is off on a secret training trip… and even Ino is probably doing her best! I'm falling behind in strength, and also in love!" Sakura began to cry.

Haku grabbed her arm gently and held her face up with his other hand. "I understand how you feel… being around such prodigies as my siblings… but I can help you train… and maybe even in love…"

Haku brushed a tear from her eye, and she began to smile.

When Haku ducked in to kiss her, she was pretty surprised.

"Ack!" Sakura pushed him away. "Aren't you a girl?"

Haku laughed loudly. "When I want to be. If you feel like training with me… or loving with me…" Haku winked suggestively, "Be sure to find me… and I can help you." Haku put an emphasis on help that left Sakura's knees weak.

(scene change)

AN: Unexpected romance! Expected romance not occurring! How amazing! Also, Ranma will occasionally break the fifth wall! Exiting? Exciting!


End file.
